In a startling announcement, sure to tank Tesla stock further (NAZI 🔻8008.5), Tesla is recalling a whopping 7.61 fuck-ton (46,000 units) of Cybertrucks from the roads, claiming “the well manicured brand of Tesla as fascist and pro-Nazi would negatively be impacted if the public saw Tesla as being passive, or ambivalent, about the extra-judicial murdering of humans. We built this truck to intentionally kill humans and, to be honest, our numbers aren’t where they should be. Only shitty Nazis accidentally kill people. Real Nazis do it on purpose. This recall effort will help us do better. We’re sorry we let you down America.”

Karoline “Kayanne” Leavitt, White House Press Secretary, issued a statement in support of Tesla’s recall efforts, reminding Americans to support capitalism and all that America holds dear: unchecked tech-bro oligarchies, murder wagons, unsolicited dick picks, and the swift improvement of Putin’s civil liberties.

“The President, ummm president Trump, just announced an executive order to protect Tesla during the recall. Obviously he, and we as patriots, don’t want to see, uh, don’t want to see anything um bad happen to a company run by a white man. I know all you reporters like to attack the president for his perceived attack on DEI, which is really just liberating rights for all people, that uh voted for Trump and are white, mmhmm, yes but, what you’re not seeing is that the Trump presidency is the greatest presidency. In fact, uh, President Trump took this opportunity to establish a line of communication with, he called the Kremlin and created a resolution to bring peace to the Ukraine war by sending all the broken Cybertrucks to the Ukraine army. Putin assured the President, Trump, that this will force Russia to finally honor a cease fire. So maybe y’all should think about that, in the press, next time you ask about Joe Biden’s policies. When he’s not golfing, or trying to get in my skirt, President Trump is the President this country needs.”

As you can tell, after another one of Karoline Leavitt’s condescending, and rousing word salads of post-fact gibberish we, of course, COMPLETELY believe her. No seriously… We. TOTALLY. Believe her. She’s so articulate and informed. The way she big-wordly fawns over the president doesn’t make us believe ANYTHING WEIRD is happening between “Um President, the President Trump” and Karoline Leavitt. Nope! Nothing to see here!! If only she weren’t involved in a love triangle between her, Trump, Trump’s ego, and Putin. Technically, in the parlance of love shape terminology, this would be considered a “polymorphic, low-order, n-gon of love.”

Obviously.

But uh… Cybertrucks, right.

So, Tesla is clearly fascist, builds questionably reliable vehicle, yada yada, breaks down in stupid conditions, yada yada, firebomb firebomb, and… Right, recall because of accidental deaths. So, now that we’re caught up.

A statement from Musk himself was posted on Twitter earlier today.

“Honestly, this is stupid. If you don’t like the trucks, why are you buying them. Why, am I, the world’s greatest smart guy, look… I invent things. I invent them for Nazis because I, am, a patriot. And our vehicles are meant to kill people. How, are you idiots, getting killed accidentally? It’s just stupid, stupid! I’m the smart one! Me! So now, we have to take, the Cybertrucks and repair them, so that when people die, it’s on purpose. Why, do you think, I marketed to liberals first? They are the demons that Nazis need to kill. I love being a Nazi. Being a Nazi is my favorite thing. I’m going to start a Nazi business!! Wow… That’s how smart I am. My nipples are bigger than my penis, like all Nazis! Where’s my Ketamine??”

When asked to review the new design and features of the revamped Cybertruck, we were sent this image and the note below.

This version of the Cybertruck, with these enhanced murder-making features, will purposefully kill Americans, like a real Nazi would! Wait, did I say the quiet party out loud? 

Sig Heil,
Elon Musk