Dear Fellow Business Dudes,

It is I, Tad “Poon-Dawg” Biffington, CEO and General Manager and Ninth Level Business Ninja of Conglomerated Amalgamated Industries Ltd, Inc, and I’m writing today about something that should concern us all, and I don’t mean the rising cost of strippers with both legs. I’m talking about employee rights.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of my workers complaining about stupid things. Like, c’mon, everyone knows I didn’t have to hire them, y’know? I bet you’re tired of it too. “Benefits” this, “living wage” that. These morons need to be reminded, y’know, that like WE’RE the ones that inherited our companies. Not them. We did! Ours! Ours! Ours! Gosh! And I know you guys feel the same.

Don’t let your serfs rise up and like, tell you what to do with your businesses. Did they suspiciously lose their parents during a contested will reading that left them as the owner of a multi million dollar business? Did they kiss up to your parents? Those leeches will ruin you if you don’t keep them in line!

So I’ve been doing some research into employee psychology. Bros… you would not believe what I learned. They have like, y’know, lives outside our offices!! That’s bullshit!! Those employees belong to us!! Where’s the loyalty these days??? So I’ve been working on ways to trick them into staying loyal to us. Those idiots, hahahaha. Get this… employees love gifts! Giving presents increased employee retention by 5%. That’s enough to lease a new Lambo for a week!!!

So check out these gift ideas, and don’t forget to follow the purchasing links in the table of ideas!!

Message		Best Gift for Message		Purchase Link
——		——		——
We are grateful for your hard work. Corporate has adjusted your performance expectations. Well done!		Picture frame with picture of owners, and a passed-out co-ed, on a fishing trip. Under each owner is their corporate nickname to identify them: Tad, Chunk, Keggers, Magic Lips, Tricky Dick, Poon-Dawg
——		——		——
Congratulations on 10+ years!! He’s your severance package.		A button		The Button
——		——		——
Dear first_name, you are the backbone of this company. Next year we expect to see improvement!		A personalized memo pad with company address. 2/3rds of the memo pad have been pulled off and poorly reapplied		Post it notes
——		——		——
We appreciate your ass-kissing and subservience. My bonus will reflect your performance.		A white coffee mug, with company logo, given as a ten-year employment gift. The handle is broken off inside the gift box		15oz Mug
——		——		——
Thanks for all your great ideas. We definitely reviewed them!		HR-mandated Bluetooth, ergonomic track ball with message and team logo. Batteries not included
——		——		——
Dear Valued Employee. Please accept this gift as a reminder of your value.		2x 40-min vouchers for company parking lot. Expired		Parking Voucher
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In order to boost morale, HR is replacing all glass ceilings with mirrored ceilings and relaxation poles next to the newly installed ATMs.		A poster to remind everyone of the entry fee and that ladies drink free		The Poster
——		——		——
We value the efforts of Actuarial Team #21, Eastern Southwest Region, for deliverable forecasting and reporting		A 4″ plastic trophy with a urinal cake duct-taped on top
——		——		——
Dynamic execution of synergistic momentum in bed		A corporate labelled, squeeze bottle of non-descript, clear, slippery gel		1.7oz Lotion
——		——		——
On behalf of the CEO, HR thanks you for signing the iron-clad NDA after the Christmas party		A notice of termination with a severance payment for the last 45-minutes of the day
——		——		——
Thanks for staying up all night the past 4 weeks		$100 gift-card to Little Caesar’s Pizza, Expired.
——		——		——
The annual resilience rally impacted post-synergy optimizations during a momentum reboot for purposeful energistic reinforcement cross-amplifications		Stickers from the local dentist’s office in the shape of stars

 

 

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Editor's Note...
All links are real. They are not Rick-rolls. Promise. 
We set up a merchandising site where you can purchase these corporate messaging gifts for your friends and your enemies... especially your enemies. 

We hope you enjoy, and your enemies don't.
We invite you to make merch requests on our various socials.
What shenanigans would you like to see to further taunt your enemies?