Have you ever wondered why your prayers weren’t being answered by God? Maybe you’re an idiot, or you dress up for sexy time as Pikachu but with a giant, black cock of destruction where its pokeballs should be? Is it because you stole that porno mag from a 7-11 about thirty years ago? Maybe you farted once in Sister Mary Maria Agatha’s theology class? Do any of your friends call you Charles Manson? Are you now, or have you ever been, Charles Manson? What about Charles Bronson? Are you an aging 1970’s action star? Or perhaps people know you as Charles Bronte, the black sheep action hero brother to the Bronte sisters? Were you the star in the poorly-reviewed action sequel to Wuthering Heights, called “Wuthering Heights 2: The Wuther Supremacy?” If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions there may be good news. According to new, alternative-fact researchers, God wasn’t dissing you.

He just couldn’t find you.

By making addresses easier, God can finally answer your prayers… if you’re American.

Pastor Peter O’Phyle

Leading GOP theologian, Pastor Peter O’Phyle, found rare, stable geniusing when watching Trump announce the new “Gulf of America.” This singular moment of insipid idiocy created a flashpoint in American diplomacy, and the uniquely fervent brand of American theology. With this stroke of darkly divisive genius igniting fresh inspiration, Pastor Peter set to work on a plan to get everyone’s prayers heard by God. Everyone in America, that is.

In the Image of God…

With a deep understanding of the folly of humans going back to recorded history, we asked the pastor, “If we were made in the image of God, what does that say about God?” This is the landmark question that drives Pastor Peter (PP) and his team. if true, are we in fact expecting “too much” from God? If we have been expecting too much from an all-knowing, definitely real deity, many questions arise that could shake the foundations of faith. Questions like, and perchance, and such as:

• Wait, Funyuns ARE made in the image of God’s favorite snack, right?!?
• Who else but God could so deftly combine crunchiness, edible foam, and vaguely onion-esque food-powder into one Holy snack, and still deliver a slightly disturbing after taste that reminds us all of original sin?
• Will Funyuns continue to serve as “The Body of Christ” in Communion services throughout American Christianity?
  • Will Mountain Dew Code Red stopped being served as “The Blood of Christ” in those Communion services?
• Since things are going crazy, inside is now outside, and black is white but white is still white, are American postal addresses too difficult for God to remember?

This is where PP is making his first set of landmark changes… How does God remember everyone’s address when sending prayers? Are they, in fact getting lost somehow? PP had this to say…

You guys gotta remember. We were made in God’s image, and we’re not really that smart. I can’t remember all the state names or capitals. Can you? And don’t forget, God is like twice as smart as we are. If God could remember your address, don’t you think your American prayers would be answered by now?

But God hasn’t been able to answer your prayers because HE CAN’T FIND YOU! Duh! Do you know how hard US geography is?! It’s like… Soo CrAZy. There’s like 44 states or something, and some territories all over the place, and then rivers, and streets. Praise his name! That’s a lot for an omniscient, omnipresent being of interdimensional light and love to remember. What if you’re in a river with no address, just being heretical, and suddenly you decide to convert? How’s God gonna find you there? By making addresses easier, God can answer your prayers… if you’re American.

P.P. O’Phyle

Streamlining American Addresses

Despite its aching simplicity, there may be something to Pastor Peter’s plan (the PP’s Plan) after all. By renaming everything in America to “America,” and everything not in America to “UnAmerica” then God should finally be able to remember every American’s address, and deliver their prayers… to Americans.

According to Pastor Peter’s new map, every place in the United States of America will now be named, “America.” So if your previous address was:

123 Main Street, Apt 316
Cedar Rapids, New York
90807

Then your address will be:

John 12:3 America Street, Apt Paul 3:16
America, America
Trump 908:07

Whereas street and apartment numbers will reference only the most bitching Bible passages, PP & team indicate that the zip codes will be converted to reference passages from the NIVMAGA Trump Bible. You’ll find it in your bookstore as the only book complaining about being placed next to “looser paperbacks that didn’t win the Trump Reading Goodliest Pulitzer Nobel Prize Award Trophy.” It will also smell faintly of sulphur, be adorned with flies, and you’ll hear demonic chanting (set to the tune of YMCA) as you approach.

When asked now about his ability to locate people and answer their prayers God had this to say:

Oh my me! This is going to be so much easier. Everyone in America is a good Christian. Just ask the bad people that live in UnAmerica. Hehehe… Noice.
…
Is this thing still on? No? Okay cool. Fuck do I need some munchies right now.

The Big G

When asked why God couldn’t pick up a map, or open Google Maps, prior to this historic name change, God had this to say…

I’ve just been really busy lately blessing American athletes that win games in my name, mega pastors that bring mad stacks in my name, deporting illegals, and trying to get some of that Stormy Daniels booty. Sheeeit, that girl got Eve written all over that booty. I need a beer, a blunt, and some Jergens.

God, on what’s been keeping him busy

Prayers Increasing Now God Knows Your Address

No more prayers will get lost to places that don’t exist. Because now, God can finally remember the names of all the places… at least the ones that are important to remember… in America, where white Jesus was born in the manger, behind a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell combo parking lot

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Editor's Note

We, at the VNR, are forced to admit that it's much easier to remember this style of addressing than trying to remember a bunch of random names for streets, rivers, churches, oceans, towns, parks, alleys, highways. This newly recovered space in our memory allows us to save more mental snapshots of hotties in bikinis for our visits to Wankington Gardens, shit... That's now called America Gardens, or Wankington America... or is it just America America?
Goddamn it! Where the hell am I going to wank it while drinking that new Double Cheesy Shrimp Burrito Vodka???