--El Paso, TX--

At 11:30p, an illegal alien was caught and arrested working at a local fast food restaurant. Authorities were called in when the illegal alien opened its cloaca tentacles trying to lay its trans-dimensional eggs in the chickie-nuggie fryer. According to unnamed sources close to the restaurant, there were signs that the suspect, Dick Fingers, was not “from ’round these parts” and continued that “… this was just too much. We don’t tolerate trans ideology ’round here.”

The arrest took place at the Burger O’Taint’s on W. Freedom Hwy. Dick Fingers had been happily working at the popular burger spot for over ten years without active suspicion. When asked, his manager, Simon Boofington, noted that despite Mr. Fingers’ uncommon name, tendency to get way too close when talking or lay egg sacs in the fryer, and that he never blinked, Dick was an excellent worker and regularly received positive customer feedback. “Hell, we even invited him out on some picnics.”

When ICE officers arrived on the scene, Dick Fingers was caught charging $10,000 for an order of Tainty-fries, a double-cheesy Taint O’Burger, and a chocolate Taint shake. As he was dragged away, Mr. Fingers was heard to plead, “I am did nothing wrong! I was going to do like  president and hire prostitute! She will sit on my trans-dimensional egg-sac of invasion brood while I do night school! Can I plead your fifth, perchance?” When asked about this comment, the store owner, Dave Edwards, said this, “Yeah… That should’ve been a clue. No one says ‘perchance’ anymore. I used to think he was just Canadian.”

Upon deeper investigation we found other troubling behavior that, at first, seemed merely “quirky” but when viewed together tells a disturbing story of illegal aliens taking our jobs and our dimension of reality. Look out for these behaviors to identify an illegal alien:

• Sticking their dick in the mashed potatoes
• Asking the fry cook to sit on the eggs and keep them warm while they attend night school
• Extending their second penis to shake your hand, as an informal greeting
• They speak French
• Referring to the breakfast eggs as “my children”
• If their third penis is NOT where you expect it to be
• When the breakfast egg shells are blue, with molten, orange veins pulsing just under the shell, and an eerie yet pastoral chanting gets louder as you lean in to look at the eggs
• When a warm, peaceful, impenetrable fog of comfort and safety floods your mind, and everything is wonderful, after you eat one of the eggs
• They eat almond butter instead of peanut butter, Jesus fucking Christ… fucking almond butter. Like, really? Is it too fucking difficult to just eat what God intended?! Fucking almond butter. Don’t even get me started on cashew butter. Fuck. Like who wants to slurp down rancid whale spunk?!

Authorities have reached out to Stephen Spielberg and Sigourney Weaver, asking them if their alien contacts can deport Dick Fingers back to his home world. Should this fail, authorities have another option to find Dick’s home world. In the lower levels of the pyramids at Giza is a secret hieroglyphic graffitus, carefully scrawled in the little kings restroom. It simply reads:

Lost in this dimension? Use these five free trans-dimensional calling minutes: https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ

With President Trump now fully in power as President of MAGA, efforts are ramping up to collect and deport illegal aliens all over the United States. Communities everywhere are coming to grips with difficult choices about how to proceed. Many in our nation are looking to remove illegal immigrants and are taking every step to find them. But, it’s been harder than expected for some communities. 

All too often, illegal immigrants look just like us.