You hear an audible “bing” from your phone. It’s a notification to check out a cool video titled “I just got a new mouth harp” by hardMouthHarpLover46.

It’s a curious video of a twenty-something man, with wide open eyes, and a beard too long for traditional marriages or romance. That’s how you know this guy will play the shit out of whatever he’s talking about. And then, you see it.

He lifts up a small metal device, with a twangy bit that sounds suspiciously like the sproingy door stops from thirty years ago. And then, with growing unease, you watch him smile. The smile grows, showing the caps of white teeth in full HD breeching into the smile. Are his teeth smiling? ,Then his mouth opens, wider, wider, the smile smears to an O. The back of your neck begins to tingle, and your eyebrows start sweating. From off frame, hands lift this sound device to his opening, moist maw. You feel his wet exhale–through the YouTube app–in your mouth. He has a mouth Harp. His entire face fills the video. Is that grease sliding from his pores back into other pores? You quick move to skip the video but before your thumb can hit “next” you’re frozen by the sound of the first “twang.”

Adrenaline drips into your blood as fear seizes your muscles and your mind. For the next two and a half minutes, you belong to The Mouth Harp Man, a once dark myth told to freshman musicians in campuses around the world. After Charlie Daniels beat the Devil with the fiddle, the Devil changed shape into a tiny, silver ringed mechanism, eating souls one mouth-harp twang at a time.

When the mouth harp YouTuber looks at you, he looks into to you, beyond your present into your past and your third-eye. With each twang, his eyes grow larger. And your eyes grow larger too, in sympathetic response to please this mouth harp canyon devil!

The rhythm picks up and his mind is laughing at you, his face bouncing, and his beard is laughing at you, and you can’t look away, you can’t stop the mind meld, as his fingers melt into his beard and his mustache winks at you with a sadist’s love for wine and pain induced debauchery. Three, four, six eyes smile at you from his beard, each jubilant twang opening a new eye!

You sweat from your pores which were once your eyes and the oil from your soul leaks out in uncontrollably attentive prostration to the madman with the jangling eyeballs laughing at you, laughing, laughing, always laughing, his lips too close, his smile in your face, stretching back to the beginning in the womb you recognize the insanity of the mouth Harp canyon madman as he watched you your whole life! You can’t escape the twangs of destiny. Twang! Your shoulder breaks! Twang! Your neck bends horribly off angle! Why is this mouth Harp YouTuber following you??

Run! Run! But you can’t! Destiny twangs your arms behind your back, your eyes propped open! Why is he still looking into your soul and why is he laughing at what he sees and why, oh God why, does your inner child have a well-coiffed mustache shaped by mystical beard oils? Or why is his shirt buttoned all the way up to his neck while wearing skinny jeans?!?

Stop staring at me mouth Harp YouTuber!!!

Stooooop!

Your mind audibly pops. The screen fades to black…

Silence.

You begin to breathe. Your sweat cools against your skin. Your heart stops racing. The video is blank. No one is staring. Your inner child is napping with your favorite blanket surrounded by your favorite toys.

But the video isn’t done. A new message pops up. The message simply says:

7 days...

Until you become a hipster...

You will receive coupons to Urban Outfitters.

Your life is over. Will anyone even notice when you’re gone?

You switch to your phone app, crying, desperately seeking a friendly voice. Who can you call? Then you feel a tiny tingling on your upper lip.

Is your mustache growing?