It’s been a brutal year eh? But one we can be proud of here at The VNR. No elephants were pantsed at all this year in our offices, or our offshore comedy strip-mines in Russia and Mogadishu.

We’d also like to give a shout out to our recent fans in Germany. Wie geht’s?!

We did have a good year though. We managed to open up the new Cocaine Addiction Ward at the Ronald Reagan Insensitive Care Outpatient Clinic,  Focusing our efforts on treating those people who haven’t yet had cocaine by bolstering a strong messaging campaign about the benefits of cocaine for white people and completely ignoring the science. Through the power of cocaine we can begin healing white America, because white people looove that cocaine. It’s crazy.

In addition, we’ve seen sales of the VNR’s Double Cheesy Shrimp Burrito Vodka almost double once we started filtering out the broken glass–an integral part of the process to skadoosh the flavoroid particles. We also doubled the dolphin meat, so that helped significantly. At this rate, we’ll be on track to compete with Ricky Gervais’s, Dutch Apple Vodka, Brad Pitt’s, Scottish Peat-Bog Mezcal, and Michael Cera’s, Bad Boy Beer.

One of our pioneering child journalists, Trevor McShmedrickson, turned eight this year. Everyone in the satirical investigative newsroom threw a great party for him which included a lot of cocaine, and getting lit on Cera’s Bad Boy Beer. Being underage, Trevor was immediately dismissed for being a brand traitor. We only drink the best shrimp burrito vodka at The VNR.

We’ve made big headways in sports this year as well by helping both Whitey and the Local Tribal Nation to launch a new Major League Baseball expansion team called, The Fighting Caucs. Building off our major popularity in baseball, in 2025 will be reaching out to Dana White in order to start our 4 and under Power Slap team called, The Scrappy Scamps.

We reached out to George Carlin’s ghost and chatted about religion and that cult he started from beyond the grave. He won’t insult his cult by calling it a religion and he had some pretty great words of wisdom for us. Like “don’t be an asshole,” and “don’t be a dick to pussies you assholes.” There you go. True George Carlin wisdom. We were lucky enough to get that exposé from beyond the grave because of the hard work of Dionne Warwick and the Psychic Friends Network. It’s so weird, because they totally knew we were going to call. Huh…

We dove deep into both men’s and women’s issues. Men are still trying to figure out when they can masturbate on office zoom calls. Whereas we accidentally helped women to decrease the gender gap in axe-murdering by misplacing the keys to the axe warehouse.

We started this year with only a handful of dunderheads and one art history major. After a grant and donations from readers like you we’ve been able to hire ten escorts, full-time, to teach us ten ways twerking can end computer curses, and how to speak the language of the heart.

2025 is going to be a wild year.

Stay bulbous and sassy!