If you started a sports team, what would the colors and mascot be?

Dear Nut Butter Specialist,

Please help. Your opinion pieces are fire and I love The VNR. How y'all pursue investigatively trashy satire often syncs with my own opinions. Normally I'm a big dog in Decision-Town, y'know? I'm a trip-seeyo (aka. triple CEO at different start ups) that bangs out new decisions like I down goblets of Red Bull and Flintstone Vitamins. But I have a deadline looming and don't have the time for this, cause I'm just getting my fourth role as CEO which means I get free keys to a time share yacht--with Melissa McCarthy and Joel McHale. I'm on fire!!! Oh right, so anyway, down to lead tacks right? So, I need to make a new sports team for my hometown, and since y'all rocked it with The Fighting Caucs, I knew I could count on you. So... If you started a sports team, what would the colors and mascot be?
Signed, 
Soon to be Quad-Seeyo

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Dear Soon to be Non-Seeyo,

Our “opinion” pieces?!? Someone’s cruising for a bruising there bubs! Our articles are richly slathered in smooth, creamy facts, or crunchy morsels of salted information. Next time you write and ask for eleventh hour help, remember which of all journalistic outlets–satire or legit, real or invented, humorous or boring, escapist or terrifying–butters your peanuts there pal.

But, as you point out, we do have a long history of success in this area, going back to last month, when we worked with the MLB to create a new expansion team called, The Fighting Caucs. Since then, we’ve researched what the next big thing in sports regalia will be.

To do this we created new nut butter technologies that have never been seen before. While many have tried, we succeeded because we didn’t rely on low quality nut butters like: almond butter, or cashew butter. Fuck no. We’re not anarcho-fascist pigs. We don’t hate ourselves or apologize for existing like Big Almond Butter does. Those guys are fucking simps. And cashew butter? Don’t make me laugh, or vomit, at the same time. Have you ever cooked curdled-milk in a dirty, heroin spoon, and thrown a dead frog on top? Neither have we, that’s why we don’t truck with no cashew butter. Fuck you cashew butter AND almond butter. Only peanut butter makes the tech that powers the world.

That’s how we discovered that the next big color in sports regalia will be: clear!

We’ve done a few workshops on the idea. The first idea uses science to create a uniform so clear that players and fans see THROUGH the uniforms down to their very bones!!! We thought this was a good fit for soccer since many players have taken to diving and this will help medical professionals find the sprains and breaks immediately.

However after a month of playing, we could clearly see the X-rays were causing their bones to crumble like cookies. So, that idea was out, and Manchester lost next year’s team to infirmity. That was awkward. 

Then we looked into uniforms made invisible by holographic technology. This was great because none of the players suffered bone-density loss in the first month of picking team colors. Already a significant improvement from the last trial.

But this time, we couldn’t quite see them or their player numbers. This made for excellent phantom goals though! Our new team sponsor, Liverpool (because Manchester never wanted to do business with us, or something rude like that) was initially thrilled with running the score on Manchester. Between invisible players at peak athleticism, and the other team just two months into a harrowing series of bone replacement surgeries, the score was the highest in soccer anyone had ever seen: 4-0, unheard of point gouging in soccer. Buuut… There were still problems. We forgot the off switch and missed some of the players when we were putting them back in the pen that night, or they got loose on the field and we couldn’t see. Imagine our surprise when, the next morning,  the groundskeeper reported that the field was haunted. Apparently, the players, not being able to get into the pen, fell asleep on the field, and when the groundskeeper started mowing the next morning. Well, that explained the random screams and puddles of blood on the field. Liverpool lost a good groundskeeper that day to fright.

Which brings us to the best version of a clear uniform, where only the uniform is clear. This involved in-depth peanut butter research to keep the players’ skin covered in the correct wavelength of nut butter oils. Fortunately, in all of human history, we couldn’t find one example of men who were distracted by another man’s naked and oiled body. So, our new uniform sponsor–Arsenal–has nothing to worry about. Nothing, at all.

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As to the mascot, that’s easy. It has to be fierce, and admired by multiple generations of fans.

And the mascot will be… a ham hock, or a hot dog? No, a steak, an enlarged ground louse, or maybe a small but terrifying bunny.

Wait! The next mascot will be, The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

And that’s why you Always ask a verified Nut Butter Specialist. Who else would accurately predict the team color: clear, and the mascot: The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch???

As always, you heard it here first.