What to do With All These Axes?

Mea Culpa

For fuck’s sake! It’s 2024 and women are still fighting for equality in opportunities and things. Oh readers, you might be telling yourselves: “But Vidalia News Recorder, women have equality in dishes, makeup, and lady things. What more do they need?” Well dear reader, we’ve been investigating women for a while now and what we’ve discovered will shock you. Shock. You!

Naturally, our male readers might be wondering aloud with some consternation about the axe warehouse that men have been hiding from women for centuries: “Surely you didn’t give the axes to women, right? The axe warehouse chock-full of axes, it’s still safe right? Remember at the last Man Meeting where we meet every Wednesday to discuss how to keep women from gaining equality? And we specifically told you, The Vidalia News Recorder, to protect that warehouse of axes FROM the women-folk? You were busy picking your nose weren’t you?” Well dear readers, we can confidently say–“oopsie-doopsie!” But let’s not quibble about who gave which murder-tool to which gender. It’s beneath us, innit? Besides, any man that survives this purge might find himself surrounded by ladies. Then, all the bars will have a men’s night where we can drink free! It’s not like men have been that bad to women that we need to be worried… right? RIGHT???

In National News, and Not at All Related to the Axe Warehouse Incident

In what should have been an obvious and expected turn of events, women are demanding to know “When can I become an axe murderer? How hard is it to be an axe murderer? Where do I go for axe murder training? Do I need to go post-doc or does ITT Tech have a degree? I heard Northern University at Temecula State has a newly opened two year degree in Axing Fatalities that can extend into the nursing program’s courses on End of Life care for the Highly Punchable. Is it true?“

Answers to this and more lie deep in the heart of the gender gap and all the sexism throughout the United States and those other places outside the US.

Too long have women felt unsafe, on dates, and cars, in concerts, bathrooms, in bed & out of bed, under roofs, on roofs, next to clowns, away from clowns, beside clowns, behind the clowns looking at clowns, and generally being next to and both not next to clowns simultaneously. But what does this mean for women when it comes to axe murdering in the real world? Can women keep up with men? Do we need a different set of standards to allow women to achieve the same level of professional experience and recognition for their work as axe murders? Should their clothes be skimpier, tighter, and show more things that men like so we can die with a smile when being axe murdered?

We’ve been able to learn from data supplied by the IRS over the past 5 years that while women are still trying to overcome a wage gap disparity in axe murdering, the gap closes year over year. Women are now only 10% behind men in the axe murdering field. Which leaves many fiscal analysts to wonder:

Do their boobies bounce when they axe murder people?
Do their boobies get in the way of attacking enemies right in front of them, like if my face is buried in the boobies?
Will they show me their boobies if I claim it’s for journalism?
Would playing Barry White help? Maybe then I could get more boobies?

Without the generational training in axe murdering that many boys get from their fathers or grandfathers it also leaves many to wonder do women have what it takes to become axe murders at all? Will penises be brutalized in the same, savage way that a man brutally beats his own meat? Will women focus only on axe murdering penises and ex-boyfriends? What about the cute penises with a nice hairline and strong cheek bones, will they be safe from the tidal wave of soon to be disfigured penises?

Here’s what we do know. Men, if your penis can do any of the following then you should be safe:

Take out the garbage
Do the dishes
Put away the leftovers
Write a poem
Sing any Billy Ocean song at karaoke
Dance like no one’s watching
Love like it’s never been hurt
Sing like no one’s listening, see prior comment about Billy Ocean
Live like it’s Heaven on Earth

Axe Murdering Celebrity

A favorite in the field of female axe murdering is Lacy Slaybelle. She’s sponsored by Home Depot (supplier of daily axes), McMaster-Carr (supplier of precision, technical, laser-guided, rocket-propelled, incendiary axes for the new world, third world, or off world), and Ann Taylor (modern fashion for uptown Downtown’s murder venues).

Ms. Slaybelle, who’s chosen to hide her birth name because of all the murdering and pesky laws against it and the trail of victims who got into axe murdering because of her which really shows the perpetuation of violence in dazzling Technicolor forcing at least a few of us to rethink what we’re really doing on this planet and why–for the love of God and all that’s holy–have I not asked out Janet from the VNR Office of Biohazardous Material and Private Label Dumping; I mean sure she’s married and her husband literally tried to kill me last time I sent her that special cake for her birthday but like what really does he know anyway, right, if he loved her so much then would he know her favorite cake flavor is caramel-spinach rum-mousse with crumbled Oreos? Jesus, it just seems like everything I, do… ummm… huh, yeah.

Janet, I love you, but you’ll have to wait… I, have Journalism to finish!

(Where was I? So, Lacy Slaybelle, let’s see… did some stuff, yeah. Got famous, check. Reunited with family after watermelon-mousse incident of 2018, yup. Axed her way through the Senate after getting lit on the VNR’s Double Cheesy Shrimp Burrito Vodka and was voted Speaker of the House, yes. Okay.. Yes! Great, we’re all caught up.)

And that’s why Lacy Slaybelle will be retiring from professional axe murdering in 2025, and starting a morning talk/cooking show with Michael Strahan called, “Lemme Axe You Something” only on NBC.

Axe Murdering Coming to TV

Fledgling axe murderers can find financial remuneration from various state and local grants and small business loans at the federal level. In fact, in Los Angeles County all women who are disgraced former actresses can compete in televised, quarterly axe murderer games on NBC to win lifetime grants in different areas of axe murdering.

The show is called, “Hollywood Att-axe!” and contestants compete for favor in different categories: brutality, elan, precision, creativity, baroque-nostalgia, emotions, romance, ennui, fashion, ombudmanship, evisceration, makeup & hair, and social media branding. The winners of each short season compete in the annual battle of axe-tivities to win the coveted Weinstein prize. Winners have thirty minutes to prepare their fantasy axe murder of anyone they choose and prepare their target for utter annihilation.

Vegan Axe Murderers?

One thing no one asked about though is if there are vegan axe murderers. For the past 5 months I’ve been wandering through this empty desert, 900 miles from the nearest town, without a drop of water, with nothing but myself and tumbleweeds blowing lazily through the dusty wind. No crickets, no shade. The sun beats down, cooking my skin and cracking my lips. I’m about to die. Yet none of this country’s axe murderers are trying to tell me about how switching to veganism changed their lives even in this remote desert… because you totally know they would.

So we can rest easy knowing that when our time comes, at least it won’t be at the blade of a vegan axe murderer. We’ll know Death by the name of its axe, not by the boredom of listening to vegan alternatives of common cuisine.

Additional Reporting

Stay with us for upcoming articles as we dive deeper with…

Taylor Swift’s line of axes for slaying that relationship. Will poetic self-immolation drive merchandising revenues?
Is the jape mightier than the crushing axe blow? Learn more about the bleeding edge of John Stewart’s comedically sharp-edged line of axes. “Ouch! That hurt my feelings and my face!”
PETA’s new line of axes for kittens, sea lions, and shit-throwing monkeys, Humanity on the Chopping Block.