FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:
Whitey
“The Man”
1-900-GO-WHITE
whitey@whitepower.com
Local Tribal Nation and Whitey Announce Historic MLB Expansion Team
Harrison, AR—December 3, 2024—Major League Baseball (MLB) is proud to announce the addition of a groundbreaking expansion team that marks a historic collaboration between the Local Tribal Nation and Whitey. The new team, named the “The Fighting Caucs,” will join the league for the 2025 season, bringing a purity of whiteness celebrating honky heritage and community engagement to America’s pastimes: baseball, racism, apple pie, feeling threatened by the sexually hypnotizing dances of non-whites, and cocaine–so much cocaine.
The Fighting Caucs will be based in Harrison, AR, with home games played at the newly constructed Crackers Stadium, a state-of-the-art, eco-friendly ballpark built on the sacred burial grounds of white people. This initiative represents a landmark moment in sports history, celebrating the rich traditions of the Bills, Todds, Jeffs, Brads, and Biffs everywhere.
In an unexpected move, the Local Tribal Nation is also supporting–both fiscally and socially–this effort. Chief Killing Whitey made this statement.
We are so happy to work with white people on creating a safe place for them, a place where they do not feel challenged by their privilege or their history. After centuries of near genocide or enslavement of different peoples–that are not white–we realize the great burdens white people carry, like: what to do with all that land, which rivers need more polluting, which govt regulation is keeping them from hunting brown people for sport, why are all the brown people mad at them, and which 401Ks come with cocaine made by brown people?
Despite all this white winning it took us–leaders of the Local Tribal Nation and survivors of near genocide–a long time to realize how much white people are pussies.
So, to big, white pussies everywhere we dedicate “Crackers” Stadium in the sincere hope that having a safe place you all find a spine. It’s honestly embarrassing to be driven to extinction by a bunch of, how you would say: “Namby pamby pussies.”
To achieve these goals, we are happy to partner with The Man so that all white people can have a place where they feel like special snowflakes, like everything they do is special, unique and important.
While white people are distracted with baseball, hot dogs, 401Ks, and cocaine, every other American can get back to building safe and productive communities.
A comment from “The Man” said this:
It’s so hard to be white now! So many dark-skinned sexy immigrants are illegally pouring into our country. How can we preserve white purity if I want to get my sexy freak on with all the super melatonin hottie-boom-bodies? Ugh…
Oh yeah… And we’ll have a new baseball stadium for ‘Murican Whites only. Where’s the cocaine???
Too long has the Native American been over-represented in sports. Why do they get all the coolest mascots? Now, Caucasians everywhere have a mascot that represents them, the Fighting Caucs.
That’ll show those uppity…
[editor's note: the rest of Whitey's message was an offensive scree of dangling participles, run-on sentences, mixed metaphors, malformed gerunds, and racism. Just a shit ton of racism.]
A Commitment to Emotional Safety
The Local Tribal Nation has emphasized that a key priority of the Fighting Caucs initiative is to ensure that all, definitely white, Americans, feel safe, welcomed, and emotionally cosseted at every turn. The team’s approach reflects a dedication to creating an environment where fans can cheer whitely, secure in the knowledge that the sins of the past won’t be met with aggressive eye-rolls when complaining about criminal immigrants. This is a safe space for white people to drink beer, swap numbers of good offshore bankers, discuss which 401k strategy will further oppress the locals of a foreign mining operation, or get a hot-dog next to the “Jerk off a Klansman” or “Y’all’queda Recruiting” booths. And cocaine. White people just looove cocaine.
Blockchain, AI, and White-Guilt Powered Crackers
In a bold step toward revolutionizing the carbon footprint in sports, the Fighting Caucs will integrate the latest in white-guilt power and Blockchain-Cocaine-AI-powered diversity technology into their operations. This innovative approach utilizes advanced algorithms and stimulants to promote a shrinking carbon footprint throughout the team’s operations to fuel Crackers Stadium’s electrical, plumbing and general whiteosity. Vendor shops will still run on the popular, high-carbon producing technology of traditional racism and meth.
Community Engagement and Mascot
Caucy, the Non-Spicy Mayo Bottle
The Fighting Caucs’ mascot, Caucy the Non-Spicy Mayo Bottle, is a larger-than-life bottle of mayonnaise with a winning smile and a personality as smooth as its creamy contents. With a domed head and ribbed sides, Caucy symbolizes the light hearted, playful sensuality of whiteness.
Caucy will lead the stadium in fun cheers including a new one called, the White Squirt. A variation on the wave, when Caucy the Mayo Bottle squirts non-spicy mayo from his top the crowd holds up their personal bottles of mayo and squeeze a thick, white, ropey goo of mayo into the air in a wave that travels around Crackers Stadium.
Community Engagement
The team promises to deliver a one-of-a-kind fan experience, blending cultural celebration with bold entertainment. From ceremonial first pitches performed by the Nation’s greatest Karens to community-building initiatives, game days at Crackers Stadium will be unlike anything MLB fans have seen before.
The first season’s pre-game event schedule will be sure to please.
Mondays – Karen Night
Three randomly chosen women will argue with life sized, cut-outs of smiling black families at parks. The first Karen to call the police wins, but only after telling the cut-out family that she will call INS and child protective services.
Tuesdays – Hard “R” Night
Up to twenty volunteers will take turns shouting their best hard “R” into the mic. The catch is it will be live streamed to their place of work and to Jesus.
Wednesdays – Cocaine Night
White people love cocaine, so the first fifty entrants to the game will each snort 10 lines of cocaine then run the bases as fast as possible until their heart explodes. Any surviving entrants pick up nail-spiked clubs and fight the Fighting Caucs mascot, Caucy, in a death match. He will have already snorted 50 lines of cocaine.
Thursday – Gerrymandering for Whitey
Who says “those people” can’t vote? We do! The baseball diamond is rearranged to represent a congressional district with a large percentage of “the less fortunate.” Points are scored based on which team can Gerrymander out the POC vote with an equally rousing speech about how this benefits “everyone.” Points lost for giggling during speeches.
Friday – Cauc Wrestling
Three white men have the chance to wrestle the Fighting Caucs mascot in a pool of Vaseline. Last one to get pegged by Caucy wins!
Saturday – Uh oh! Your Daughter Just Brought Home Her New “Boyfriend”
Three teams of parents compete against their daughters to keep her from seeing “that boy” and ruining her reputation. The last group to accidentally force their daughter in the arms of a non-white lover wins a trip to Missouri and a ball of yarn… and a bump.
About the Local Tribal Nation
The Local Tribal Nation is a sovereign community dedicated to sticking it to “The Man” any way possible.
About Whitey
Whitey, aka “The Man,” is a deeply tragic yet accidentally, hilarious figure. He fights for white supremacy without seeing the losing proposition of alienating his neighbors. His hobbies are racism, flirting with Latina hotties, and cocaine… just piles and piles of it.
Tickets for the Fighting Caucs’ inaugural season go on sale January 15, 2025. For more information, visit http://www.vidalianewsrecorder.com
For press inquiries, please contact Biff Chad McWhiterson at Whitey Headquarters.
Vidalia News Recorder 