Scribbles O’Hanrahan, Chief Moose Knuckle at The Vidalia News Recorder
Temecula, CA
staff@vidalianewsrecorder.com
1-900-SEXY-LAUGHS

Date: Yes Please!

The Onion News Network
Somewhere, USA

Re: Cease and Desist – Unfair Checking Out of Other Hotter, More Mature, Satire Sites

Dear The Onion News Network,

We are writing to formally demand that you cease and desist your alleged checking out and restrained ogling of other hotter, more mature, satire websites, effective immediately. This letter serves as a bitchy notice of concern regarding the potential degradation of our self-esteem challenged by those satire sites that strive to keep fit and trim in their comedic work by hiring fresh, hip, hot 20-somethings that we cannot compete with. Our moo-moos are showing.

As a representative of the consumers of satire and the Exalted Ombudspacesperson of the Intergalactic Satire Assault Force Squad of the Alpha-12 Quadrant under the protection of Lord Commander Bluntozorp, we find it imperative to protect the ecosystem of comedy by making sure those other satire news tramps keep their pervy mitts off our satire news boyfriend, or girlfriend or… To be honest we don’t really know the proper gendering when trying to establish a toxic, co-dependent satirical relationship between the greatest satirical news source of all time and you, the totally smoking MILF/DILF satire source that totally wants to get with us. Therefore, any observing, checking-out, talking to, thinking about, making out with behind the bleachers, being aware of, or starting wholesome families with little satire news children with other sites undercuts this principle and undermines the unique hellscape of a satirical romance we could have, because we are really pretty and will totally get Botox if you think we should.

Therefore, we hereby demand the following:

1. That The Onion News Network immediately halts any communication with other news sites, promises not to talk about other satire sites at the Holiday work party, and begins to write bratty and sassy articles about how The Babylon Bee is for South Jersey Fuckbois, or how Jake Tapper at CNN couldn’t twerk his way out of an exposé on the latest African famine. We do stipulate that a dalliance with Hallie Jackson (of CNN) or Jordan Klepper (of TDS) is unavoidable.


2. That The Onion News Network confirms in writing within 10 business days that all such activities have ceased. We will also accept notice delivered as 4000 unmarked, non-sequential doughnuts to a public drop of our choosing.


3. That The Onion News Network commits to purchasing The Vidalia News Recorder for the low, low price of $10B. ONN may also choose to wait for the Black Friday sale price of $4B provided a $6B retainer is Venmo’d before our weed dealer comes by next Tuesday. But act fast before a cheap knock off of our prestigious media empire is reduced to being listed on TEMU, or handmade versions for satire cosplay are available on Etsy.



Failure to comply with this request will leave us with no choice but to explore further options, which may include parking lot tantrums, or sadly masturbating in the dark while listening to “Love of Lifetime” (by Firehouse, remixed by Andy Samburg feat. Bernie Sanders on beats and backing vocals) on repeat, with boxed wine and freezer burned calamari ice-cream. We’re sure that with proper adherence to this totally serious CEASE & DESIST order all parties can avoid tears in their respective Vaseline.

This letter is intended to foster goodwill and mutual respect between our definitely equal in every way possible news outlets while ensuring those other bitches get stitches. I trust that you will give this matter the attention it definitely, for sure, absolutely, without doubt, why would you even question it, deserves.

Sincerely,

Scribbles O’Hanrahan
Chief of Mud and Clumps
http://www.vidalianewsrecorder.com

PS. There is nothing remotely legally binding or intelligent in this letter. In truth, we’re just fanpersons with no budget trying to blow off some steam. We were running out of time on our next publishing date and thought maybe we could all have a laugh. It seems our exposé on Dracula is dragging on longer than expected and we turned to the one thing that keeps us going: being immature knuckleheads. If, however, you didn’t laugh at all while reading then I’m afraid to say we were hacked by Russian misinformation efforts and this isn’t really us. Sooo… Yeah.