“Hi…

I’m new to being an asshole. I’ve spent my whole life studying the word of Jesus and following in his example. But I just want something different now, to let my hair down a little, maybe trample someone’s dignity? That sounds like fun. I tell you, that white Jesus was a handsome devil but he was no fun. …

So, because I’m not really rich, thanks Jesus AND Obama, but I’m really excited about becoming an asshole, I wanted to get a BMW. But oh Lord, I think I should’ve left the flock much earlier to afford one of those.

Is there anything I can get, where I can still be an asshole on the road, without getting a BMW?”

Signed, What-Did-Jesus-Ever-Do-For-Me”

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Dear Broke-Beamer,

The field of driving assholery is one we’ve been following for a few years now and are excited with some good news for you! There are many new opportunities for modern drivers to feel the excitement of cutting someone off, and laugh as their victim helplessly rages in the vehicle behind them.

We discuss vehicles to choose from when you absolutely want to establish an alpha presence on the road. Our investigators spent hours researching the pros and cons of different options. Nope… Correction. They spent minutes on Google and hours micro-dosing Iver-Molly (a new synthetic drug blending the best of ivermectin’s suspicious delerium and MDM’s affinity for Skrillex) to write this article.

As a bonus, we’ll even suggest how to drive your asshole heart into a new Beamer to undeniably place the crown of King/Queen Douche-Bag upon your entitled head.

Let’s get started!!

Quiz – Are You an Asshole Driver?

You might think you’re ready to be King Asshole of the road, but this quiz will show your true colors. Are you a rainbow of beautiful colors on the inside, or is your rainbow colored with taupe, maroon, vengeance, beige, and black? Find out below and tally your scores along the way…

1. Why are other vehicles on the road?
   • Families have places to be. [0]
   • An economy can’t run without expedited shipping. [1]
   • So I can compete in the Rush Hour 500 while driving a rusted, 120 HP, hoopty with taped-up windows. [3]
   • Because there’s no one to fuck with at home, and at work I could get fired if I do. [5]
   • To get enough points with the judge to up my sentence to homicide from negligence. [10]
2. My car is like…
   • … totally cool man. [0]
   • … a device for optimal mayhem. [4]
   • … the nicest thing I own. [3]
   • … more important than your babies on board. [5]
   • … missing an on-board howitzer that shoots poison-tipped ninja lasers. You only notice it when you’re dead. [15]
3. My car is fueled by…
   • Vegetable oil. [-4]
   • Rage. [6]
   • Gasoline. [4]
   • Someone else’s money. [5]
   • The sun. [-1]
   • Fantasies of murder. [28]
4. “Hi, I’m Joe. Do you have a few minutes to discuss ________ ?”
   • Stupid idiots [4]
   • Yo momma [5]
   • Synergizing Testicular Rotation and the Church of Scientology [7]
   • Girl Scout Cookies [32]
   • Project 2026: Where we try to remove the blatant sexism, insurrection, Naziism, and woman-on-monkey-on-panda sex. [5]
   • Why yo momma so ______
     • Fat [3]
     • Ugly [4]
     • Stupid [5]
     • Angelically Fair Skinned [-1]
     • Capable of having a career AND children AND a fulfilling personal life [12]

Scores:

• -5 to -1 points
  • Dear Elmo, the modern road is not for you. Stay on Sesame Street where it’s safe.
  • We recommend the Toyota Sienna minivan. It starts. It stops. It comes with the standard “Training Wheel” package, and band-aids for boo-boos.
• 0 to 14 points
  • Can we recommend a 2024 Toyota Rav-4 with a backup camera, safety cones on the tires, padded seat belts, a driving nanny, and helmets.
• 15 to 23 points
  • Congratulations Asshole! The world is your oyster and you’ll happily slurp that nautical snot down your gizzard while demanding you have the right to smoke your Cuban cigar in the cancer ward. This world isn’t just yours, but everyone else in it is just a highway obstacle preventing you from getting to the Kick-a-Puppy store 20 seconds quicker. Those belligerent fuckers that want to share your road are right now masturbating to shirtless pictures of you riding a glistening horse that’s driving a tank.
  • We recommend the Altima, Infinity G35, or any Tesla, preferably the Cyber Truck for maximum douche. A useless in-cabin button for a non-existent nitrous system, and under-carriage lights are a must.
  • Drivers must refer to their vehicle as a she and boast about how hot “she” gets under the hood when driven by the owner. Driver must then point their chin to the engine, click with their tongue, and say “you know it” and laugh in a knowingly salacious manner. Goosebumps of revulsion erupt on everyone in the vehicle. If driver rolls a D20 and passes a charisma check, women between 18-26 will moisten their panties.
• 24+ points
  • Ummm… We didn’t think anyone would actually score this high, and we certainly didn’t think we’d see you standing outside our window driving that modified hearse with a… Is that a chainsaw in the back? What? Yeah, of course. I’ll put the lotion in the bucket! Sure thing bro!
  • We recommend a Dodge Charger, Dodge Ram, or the Herkimer Battle Jitney with an F-16 engine swap and a chloroform dispenser.

Common Vehicles for Assholes

There are many ways to be an asshole on the road and many vehicles to choose from. We have options for every size of wallet, but for you we’ll focus on the poorer options, for people who are worse and stupider than those who drive a BMW.

The rich people options, for those who are better and more popular, with bigger dicks or tighter, botoxed lady-sex-pockets start with the BMW and go on up through Maserati, rugged Land Rovers for the rough terrain of comfortable suburbia, The Hummer H2, or a fully-loaded F-350 as a daily driver. If you drive a Lambo, Bugatti, Bentley, or similarly classed vehicle, you’ve entered the realm of everyone’s politically favorite asshole: the brash, visionary, Job Creator. Well done, King Asshole, you slay in the boardrooms, the streets, the sheets, and you’re probably an actual predatory psychopath. The world is your oyster!!

But that’s not you. Oh no dear reader. You are poor people but want to feel like the entitled upper class of BMW drivers. Allow us to set your world right.

Asshole cars so cheap your criminal behavior will instantly land you in jail and 4 years in child-support payments…

• ’86 Mustang Convertible, with the top stuck in the open position, add bullet holes, and a dusting of stale Miami cocaine from the last taping of Miami Vice, or Cops. Purchasable at any lot sale in a major port city.
• A Ford Pinto, salvaged from a grandmother’s shade tree mechanic husband. Make sure yours has the self-detonating option on a rear-collision. The color should be an indiscernible shade of rusting beige. A majorly asshole move! Boom baby!!
• The ’91 Mitsubishi Mighty Max. Small enough to drive like a drunken dart looking for an asshole to puncture, and light enough to catch-air on even the smallest of municipal rail-crossing ramps, the Mighty Max packs a lot of Don’t in a frame that asks Why.

Asshole cars in your budget. You may have to show your Asshole membership card to get the best deals. With great asshole comes great avoidance of responsibility.

• The Tesla Model Who-Gives-a-Fuck. This is maybe your best bet as it has all the appearance of being built better than it is and can be reasonably priced less than a BMW. In fact, in most US markets the Tesla Model Fuck-Off has already overtaken most BMWs as the car most likely to be driven by people wanting all the smug of money without all the use of road manners, or turn signals, or proper lane usage.
• Any Chevy Camaro. Just mentioning this car turned on our nervous system’s douche-amine receptors in the dickhead gland. While typing this, I’ve somehow started an online sports betting account and created a football fantasy team to lose money on. Fuck. The asshole is strong.
• The early box style of Ford Broncos and Chevy Blazers, late 70’s to late 80’s, preferably with cow catchers mounted on the front. These are great pre-SUV cars to hoon around in. They eat a lot of gas, and scare pedestrians real easy when revving the engine at crosswalks. We consider these sleeper asshole cars because everyone thinks they’re cool and as we all know cool people drive like assholes, because they can, because they’re cool. These are best driven by highly aggro “cool bros” with surf boards. Surfing not required.
• Honorable mentions include the ’88 Monte Carlo and the Impreza WRX. Anyone who drives these, under the age of 40, is either trying to kill or get killed. Anyone over 40 still driving these remembers all the times they almost died while driving these and can’t forget the best thrills they ever had. Both of these can be absolute monsters on the road, the Monte Carlo for drag racing (especially after you drop in a 572ci engine) and the WRX for cornering your way into the executive parking lot before the automated entrance gate closes on you. “Fuck you Charles. That should’ve been my promotion!”

Maneuvers to Improve Your Game and the Vehicles to Get the Job Done

• The Ambulance Debacle
  • Follow an ambulance to its final destination. Before it gets there, run it off the road, then quickly mount and turn on your ambulance light bar on top of your vehicle. Show up to the emergency site then, instead of going to help people, find the family of the injured and talk about how you’re going to fire your broker for missing the peak of the tech bubble gaining you a measley investment return of 423%.  When asked if you are going to revive the overdosed heiress, laugh and say “No you dolt! You must come from a long line of dolts! Now back to my story where I was hunting chinchillas with absinthe and TNT while high on Molly.”
  • We recommend a zesty Zinfandel for this in a tasteful glass goblet. Stare into the eyes of the family while drinking while suggestively licking your lips.
  • Must drive any Jeep, preferably a 2024 Grand Wagoneer
• Rolling Coal v2
  • For this, get your favorite electric truck, fill the bed with 55 gallon drums of charcoal bricks. Drive around town with an obnoxiously large political flag, preferably with a snake on it (Historical Hint! The Gadsden Flag was originally meant to signify strength against tyranny, not entitled dimwits who cry at any hardship. It’s fun because it’s true!!). Turn your stereo on as loud as possible and play songs from The Cure or Depeche Mode. Reach into the coals and wipe the black soot around your eyes, neck, arms and groin. Now, light yourselves on fire and show everyone how important you are because of how much they’re oppressing you! You’ll thank me later.
  • This move pairs well with a playful gasoline vintage, something flirtatious and self-important. Try the Chevron E95 with a splash of raspberry.
  • Recommended vehicle is any Ford F-150 Lightning or the Tesla Cyber Truck. Only use a Rivian if you’ve added an aftermarket lift kit AND converted it to run on coal.
• Rolling Bunnies
  • Not even counting to 5 on the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch would save you from rolling these bunnies. From the wrath of Hell and the fires at the gates of Doom come bunnies with sharp, pointy teeth, riding in on modified Priuses, and powered by the electricity of damned souls.
  • It is said that watching Monty Python and The Holy Grail three times in a row, while staring at a mirror in the bathroom, and drinking Mountain Dew Champagne (aka. Champagne de Mont Deux), will call these totally asshole bunnies to the streets.
  • Pairs well with Champagne de Mont Deux
• The “Have you Seen This Guy”
  • Cut someone off, hard… No, like really really hard. Then, as they explode in anger, take a picture. Now, using the large-scale printing equipment in your back seat, print your victim’s photo in the style of the missing persons ads on milk cartons with the text: “Have you seen this person’s dignity? I just cut them off on the interstate.” Then place the printouts on the sides and hood of your car. So douche!!
  • While simple in description, this maneuver requires a complex palette. We recommend a pig’s foot martini with a splash of hot dog water garnished with Cheetos.
  • The recommended vehicle for this stunt is any Tesla, but best pairs with the Cyber Truck. Assholery at its finest!

Our Final Recommendation

When you can’t afford a BMW but want to pretend you’re an important asshole on the road, here’s what we recommend…

Bonus: How to Get You Into a BMW

Hahaha… Just kidding. Try not being poor!!