Shakira, world renown songbird with more number one hits than Jesus Harold Christ, who being so beautiful that Zoolander’s “Blue Steel” corrodes to “Blue Slag” and so adored that her Hips have a 501 c(3) religious exemption in the US, announces split from some handsome sports guy–who was probably hot AND interesting. In the wake of this hot goss, the Latin Queen of Verisimilitude in Pelvic Communication now realizes where she went wrong all her life and prepares to be woo’d by arguably the most insightful, scathing, and insightfully scathing staff writer at the Onion News Network, Jurg Jurglesson.
Aaaand wait a minute! We’re receiving breaking news from our team on the police beat. The writer for the Onion News Network, Jurg Jurglesson, has just unsuspiciously committed suicide by choking himself, stabbing himself, shooting himself 15 times with a long barreled sniper rifle from over 200 yards, and running himself over with a newspaper delivery truck thirty-two times. Our investigative team at the crime scene sees no signs of foul play. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all reporters at The Onion News Network in this hard time and would like to remind them that we saw her first.
This recent definitely-not-murder of her recently deceased boo leaves Shakira to instead be woo’d by arguably, maybe the writer who best matches the description of the second-best-for-participation award-winning satirical journalist in Western Temecula. He works at The Vidalia News Recorder as our Chief Moron Officer of Mud and Clumps.
We wrote this press release on behalf of Shakira’s PR team, without fact checking or permission, and now release it to the world as an EXCLUSIVE at The Vidalia News Recorder…
I, Shakira J. Shakira, have sought decades for a love that would last a lifetime. I cultivated a voice and presence that brought joy throughout the world. My hips exude truthiness and lecture on honesty ethics at schools of philosophy and pedagogy. I dated world-class athletes, sold out stadiums around the world and collaborated with Wyclef Jean. My fans throughout the world have supported me. It’s been a wonderful life and I thought I had everything. I truly did. Then I met someone that rocked my world, an emotionally damaged, mouth breathing, semi-literate, overweight, indecisive, toxic fan of Star Wars and staff writer at The Onion News Network The Vidalia News Recorder. I’ve never had, until recently, someone explain to me why a date night at Burger King is superior to McDonald’s. According to my new forever person, the answer is “chicken fries.” I had no idea I’d been living my life being, how do you say, “bougie.” Up until this point, everything was caviar, Fendi, Prada, high pressure, everything was important, and the stress was too much. For the first time my hips will lie, on a couch and enjoy a family sized bag of Doritos with a 2-liter of Mountain Dew, warm. I didn’t know life could be easy and simple.
From now on my name will be, Janet “Shakira” Macy. I even joined a smutty bookclub and they don’t know I’m an immigrant. They just think I’m from a place called, “downtown.” Are all bookclubs just ways for women to talk shit about their husbands and drink too much alcohol? If so, I want more please!!! My new bookclub hat, a hardhat that holds boxed wine with a straw for my mouth, is arriving on Tuesday!
Apparently, millions of women around the world do something called, “settling.” Did you know this?! I think it’s when you find something that’s only 25% of what you want but still 4% better than the alternative. Yes, I want this. If this is what my fans do then I should lead the way for them everywhere, and bring my signature style of sensuality and rhythm to green bean casserole, eleven bean dip, frosted highlights, and boring sex!
To prepare I’ll be eating pints of ice cream every night, and sleeping with my make up on, and with pillow cases that are less than 5000 thread count. Ugh! I didn’t even know they made those, but this will be exciting! I’ve sold my lingerie and purchased a beige pushup bra that I can sleep in and also wear to work without having to wash it. It provides support and lift by stealing little bits of self-esteem every night. When the only person to notice me throughout the day is Martin from accounting, because everyone knows he still lives with his mom and she still buys his underwear, that’s how you know the pushup bra is working, right ladies? And whenever Martin notices me, at least I can thank myself that my probably useless husband is better than Martin.
Speaking of my amazing, useless husband–the greatest satirical journalist from The VNR, that was available after the untimely suicide of Jurs Jurglesson–knows more about a “Star Wars” than even George R. R. Lucas. Astronomy and SETI must really be getting exciting since the last time I was touring the world for years on end! He talks for hours about how they messed up the whole story arc with some jars and blinks. Again, my new husband knows all this.
As for me I’m about to apply for an Associates Degree in Medical Records and Coding and hope that a dentist’s office will be hiring soon.
My next album to drop will feature waiting room music, and sexy samples of quiet despair and dental office visits!
That completes the press release from Shakira! Our wedding will be momentous. Hmmmm… Wait, is Anne Hathaway recently single??? Maybe I can marry her if Shakira agrees to put in a good word.
Vidalia News Recorder 