We have received some pretty nasty emails lately about some of our failed articles that have left us in tears. You guys need to settle down with your self entitlement, okay? Like this one letter…
Dear News Staff at The Vidalia News Recorder,
We don't think it's very funny when you joke about the difficulties of creating a dental insurance plan for cannibals. Can you create jokes that Jesus would approve?
Generally we think your humor is a sack of shit. Jesus must weep every night he's forced to watch you masturbate to lesbian turtles having sex with Chihuahuas that look like Matt Damon's botoxed and manicured anus (he has such a nice anus. His mother must be proud). Why do you force Jesus to watch you sin? I hope you stub your toe. On napalm. Forever.
May God hate you forever...
Love,
Xxxxxx Ostxxx
Holy shit. You guys are fucked up! Just Chill, okay? This job is really hard! I mean, making people laugh, ALL the time? What even is comedy these days??!
We had some wins with these articles
The following articles received a ton of positive press. The first two even won us the prestigious Yankovic Award for “Groundbreaking Bullshit.” The last two articles received a more tepid response and only yielded us a Nobel in Economics, and a Pulitzer (they make excellent doorstops, btw).
- 10 Signs Your Marriage Counselor is Recommending the Wrong Porn
- Men Ask: When Should I Masturbate on Office Zoom Meeting
- How to Make Friends with Your Labia
- And our “Ask a Nut Butter Specialist” series
We missed the mark with these articles
However, many of our best attempts just missed the mark. Whether by poor timing, social unrest, being too smart, being too funny, or being too smart and being too funny, the following articles yielded some very negative press, like that time we got into a spot of fisticuffs with a one-armed mannequin and got our asses kicked.
- How to Fight a One-Armed Mannequin and Definitely Not Lose
- Wealth Watch: Wealthy Americans Hide Money in Latest Insurance Scam, “Dental Plans for Cannibals”
- The VNR Histories: Foam Puppet Sluts of 60’s Italian Cinema
- Sexual Lessons from Turtle Stacking Architecture for Flat Earth Physics
- Hip Replacement Scandals in Feline Retirement Homes
- The VNR Histories: Foam Puppet Strumpets of the Pre-Columbian, Dutch Privateers
- Flirty Tax Avoidance Questions to Ask the 1% on a First Date
- VNR Bowling: Ovaries as Bowling Balls? A 7-10 Gender Split Leads to a Conversation You Can’t Spare
- The VNR Histories: Foam Puppet Trollops in Dickensian Literature
- Ask Skrimballah, The Ancient Emoji Mystic: 👳🏿👩❤️💋👨🦹💯🗓️. 💥🛀🏄🪂,💣👭🏔️🌋–🔥’‼️🌪️💧–☔🌧️⛈️! 🗡️🐯🌄⛓️,🛠️,🍿🍿🧊🍸💩?
- Men Ask: Should Women Have Three Boobs?
- Women Ask: Should Men Even?
- The VNR Future Histories: Foam Puppet Floozies on Chinese Moon Base, “Fuzzy Panda 4”
- Exclusive Interview: Why do the Other 2 Out of 10 Dentists Hate You?
- VNR Betting Odds: If Men Had Boobs, What’s the Over/Under on When Humanity Dies?
- Fighting the Male Gaze by Giving Men Boobs
- Exclusive: More Boobs Please?
As you can see, writing comedy is hard, but bad hard, not good hard. How much innuendo is too much? Who even remembers commercials where only most of the dentists wanted you to brush with toothpaste? Was RFK Jr behind those other dentists? Was it his brain worm? Did his brain worm create the whole antivax movement? Do most people have brainworms since vaccines are somehow being debated?
And what the fuck is “Ohio Skibidi Rizz Sigma Beta Based Cuck”? Do I need a vaccine for that? And how do we make jokes about Russian influence, American influencer hucksters being paid foreign assets, or the King of incels being an immigrant that takes federal dollars and has his own social media company where he Beta-Cucks the Ohio Skibidis with No-Cap Rizz?
When we get this burned out on comedy writing, we like to meet up with our friends at the pub and each order a bottle of VNR’s Large-Batch, Double Cheesy Shrimp Burrito Vodka and spend the rest of the night vomiting away the memories from the day.
Vidalia News Recorder 