In secret conversation with the Trump transition team over the past few months, The VNR has come to learn of a new cabinet position once the Trump-Vance team take office.

Within hours of RFK Jr joining the Trump transition team, the chief editor at The VNR received an email from an insider at the transition team, calling himself Gandalf, to discuss our role in Making America Great Again, again. Of particular importance was how our expertise in chugging, giraffe-tipping, eatology, boobies, and astrology-based phrenology would be useful to forwarding the political plans of Project 2025. We also once published an article on silly-string that Trump raved about, but it hasn’t been published yet so we can’t share it here (but once we write it, it was hilarious).

Below are snippets of the email from “Gandalf.”

To the Head Pussy-Grabber at The Vidalia News Recorder,

My name is Gandalf, RFK Jr's lead policy analyst. You might know me as the parasite in RFK's head! What a ride it's been! We've been telling the public that I was eradicated, but between us it was really RFK Jr. that they killed off. Now I'm driving this grossly, devoid husk. How fun!!
...
I wanted to reach out to you today to discuss bigly opportunity Make America Great Again, again. RFK Jr and I and Tulsi Gabbard will save millions of America so let's fight together and join Trump's transition team. We're working very hard to bring jobs back to help immigrants build the wall and unite China, oh they've been very bad. Chi'na. So many tariffs and embargoes to bring jobs back to this country and destroy Democrats and uniting the country and healing the rift in this country by uniting it by killing the Democrats with sticks and mean words, very not nice words.
...
So if we arm children with Uzis and smoke bombs...
...
Sunflowers and jelly-bellies won't save us when they come for our guns. Sleepy Joe, Kickin' Kamala, Wildin' Walz want you to believe that America wasn't in debt to Harambe to the tune of $147 Trillion deficit in bad loans and crooked sub-prime mortgages.
...
But this is where we can win back the America people in this fight against democracy...
...
Putin is amazing. He's going to let us keep Alaska, but only if we ask very nice. 
...
Make Giraffes Straight Again! 
...
To help us we need you [The Vidalia News Recorder] to accept one of our cabinet positions. Please check the one you're interested in and send this letter back. 

[ ] - Sec'y of Interior §
[ ] - Sec'y of State
[ ] - Sec'y of Education §
[ ] - Sec'y of Bitches *
[ ] - Sec'y of Q *
[ ] - Sec'y of Brain Worm Rights **
[ ] - Sec'y of Peanut Butter
[ ] - Sec'y of Grabbin' That Poossay!! *
[ ] - Sec'y of Beta-Cucks **
[ ] - Sec'y of Racism and Skinheads *
[ ] - Sec'y of the other ones §
[✓] - Sec'y of Birthday Magicians, Silly String, Giraffes 

* Crossed out options have already been taken
§ These options will be politically dismantled, or symbolically dismantled
** You'll have to fight Mitch McConnell and Rudy Giuliani for this one, in a totally manly pillow & tickle fight

Sincerely, 
Gandalf, 
RFK Jr's brain worm, and lead member of Trump's Transition Team.

When the nation calls, we stand up and serve. 

… then we sit back down, put our underwear Back inside our pants, lose focus and play tamagatchi, smoke a doob, stare into the junk drawer and imagine reorganizing it, feel the edge of sanity fray as the dark ones awaken, and… wait, what are we doing?

Then we stand up, again, and are ready to serve, fully pantsed this time and the junk drawer safely disorganized keeping the dark ones from awakening too early.

Based on sporadic notes from Gandalf and Gabbard, we’ve put together top notch media to circulate to the fake news outlets (aside from us). Please share our slide deck to anyone who isn’t an awoke sheeple-cuck (it’s a sheep-bird hybrid that somehow owns the libs).

Rest assured that we’re promoting policies that are diverse, inclusive, and equitable to all land-owning white men of voting age in order to ensure abundant silly string, and subsidized birthday magicians with tax write-offs for giraffe adoption (gay giraffes not included).

We believe our campaign media speaks for itself.

---

“Approved by GOP” logo

This logo shows the Republican’s dedication to blue-collar, and working-class America. The green coloring represents Trump’s devotion to money Jesus.

Giraffes

The Trump-Vance ticket stands with all kinds of giraffes: the straight ones, AND the non-homo ones. We’ll never let the Democrats take your definitely-straight giraffes.

When “they” come for your guns, they’ll never be able to take away your 2a giraffes

Birthday Party Magicians

When was the last time you had a magician at your birthday party?

With a closed border we can keep birthday party magicians from escaping by night into Canada. We can also use American party magicians to fight Mexico’s magicians from sending immigrants across the border in magically disappearing boxes, or by sending immigrants across in pieces through the age-old saw-a-person-in-half gag. Gross!!! but effective. But we can’t do that now with low tariffs on magicians.

Thanks Obama

Silly String

Krooked Kamala wants you to believe that silly string isn’t dangerous. But Kim Jong Un and Putin both assure us nothing can happen as long as we talk to it in low whispers and don’t use American propaganda language with it. So, if the silly string is looking for a place to live, telling it to pull itself up by its bootstraps will trigger a venomous attack, and the dark ones will awaken.

Thanks Obama