In the world’s only country to provide private citizenship to guns, the party of freedom has had it up to here with crazy people carrying guns.
Thoughts and prayers are not enough to protect our nation’s short supply of former Republican Presidents!
We interviewed a number of Republican Leaders and asked their opinions on gun control and the assassination attempt on a former Republican President.
“Tell me, with the number of children dying to gun violence, what are your opinions on gun control?”
Heretic Foundation
The American people have a constitutional right to every crazy, fucking ammunition that God has ordained! 2a! 2a! Chug chug chug!!! We will make EVERYBODY fear the Vengeful Jesus!!! …and then we’ll drink the blood of slain children to awaken our dark Lord Cthulhu!
Y’ gotha penis llll ya ahororr’e. Nilgh’ri hail throdog penis n’ghftdrn hup n’ghft ph’
Bleblon Husk
Immigrants are the worst! They come into this country with their crazy ideas about democracy and want to change this country into a place where poor people get to vote! I won’t be blackmailed by votes! I say “Fuck you!”
Unnamed Trump Child
My father is a fighter. He’s the best. When someone tries to knock him down, he fights back. When those parents want to control our guns my dad will fight them all. My dad needs guns to fight democracy and the parents of the kids who were shot in schools. My dad knows kung-fu and says he’s the best leader of China.
Blaura Bloomer
OH, I totally think everyone should get guns. If we gave guns to children these things would never happen of course. Wait… we’re not going to give guns to black people, right? or Indians? Democrats? But children… DEFINITELY give guns to children… white children.
Putin
Oh yes. So sad. Of course comrade. Yes. You will have more guns now. Yes… more guns for your babies and democrats.
“Since you’ve spoken out against gun control, what are your thoughts on the attempts on the former President?”
Heretic Foundation
Since the former President is the only morally corrupt vessel strong enough to usher in a new dark age for all humanity we need to crack down on crazy people with guns. Yug’Shoggoth opens the portal only when there are enough dead children, and the former President is that portal! He will save us from Jesus Christ. Once the tendrils of the Ancient Ones penetrate the chosen vessel’s poop-shoot, they will be able to control him and bring eternal night.
This is why we’re announcing new legislation to crack down on gun owners who plan on targeting future Republican presidential candidates for president, if that candidate was once an ineffectual pretend boss on a TV show. Y’ gotha penis llll ya ahororr’e. Nilgh’ri hail throdog penis n’ghftdrn hup n’ghft ph’
Bleblon Husk
Trump will protect America and the Constitution by getting rid of democracy and lowering taxes on the ultra wealthy. Starting now, all Tesla vehicles will operate in self driving mode and will run over democratic politicians.
Unclaimed Trump Child
My father is a fighter. He’s the best. He fights guns and nunchucks. That’s why I’m writing a draft bill that will punish any guns that shoot gun-bullets from the front gun-hole on any gun that shoots at my father. We need to protect my father from the gun-bullets that can’t even kill him because he’s so fighty. So, who would win in a fight between my dad and Godzilla. Yeah… It’s obvious. All Hail C’thulhu and I guess he is like going to take over now, right? I need another Xanny.
Blaura Bloomer
OMG you guys!!! I’m totally having Trump’s baby! Whenever you guys write that gun law, don’t include Melania or Ivanka. Daddy Trumpykins is all mine now!
Putin
Oh yes. So sad. Of course comrade. Yes. You will have more guns now. Yes… more guns for your babies and democrats.
As of the time of this writing, multiple pieces of legislation are working their way through state legislatures calling for gun control for anyone that is thinking about assassinating a former President that is running as a Republican presidential candidate this year.
When asked about why there is only gun control to protect one person who luckily has not died from a gun, and not enough gun control legislation to protect kids who are dying by guns, our respondents had this to say…
“Why is there not enough gun control for children AND a former President? Can’t we do both?”
Heretic Foundation
The Lord of the Dark Dimensions needs the blood of the Innocent! Cthulhu will reward us by turning us out on the streets of Miskatonic and making us gargle demon mayonnaise!
Y’ gotha penis llll ya ahororr’e. Nilgh’ri hail throdog penis n’ghftdrn hup n’ghft ph’
Bleblon Husk
Well, you see. It’s a simple matter of logic, obviously. If we work to save the future leader of the free world then he can save the children, if he has time between cheeseburgers and sexual assault lawsuits. But, if we work to save children, then what about the president, you see? Don’t you get it? See? It’s just the facts and we should be committed to doing the right thing even if it’s difficult. Besides, none of those children we save can guarantee me a tax break or more subsidies for my various tech companies. Don’t you get it? Don’t you? It’s obvious.
Unclaimed Trump Child
Wow… You really don’t know how legislation works? Look, there’s only so much gun control to go around. It’s like my dad’s love. There’s barely any to begin with and we have to use it wisely. So, do we save children, or save one guy who is at the end of his life, and getting there faster with each cheeseburger? It’s pretty obvious. Who will love me if my dad doesn’t? If I work hard enough I know I’ll earn his affection and respect. I know it. Then he won’t have to cheat on Mom or try killing me in my sleep. I know I can fix my dad. I know it… Right? Because if I can’t, then I guess I really am worthless. Because if he doesn’t even love me then why would anyone else. … … So, don’t worry Dad. I’ll save you!
Blaura Bloomer
Ugh… Whatever. Who even has kids anymore. So dumb.
Putin
Oh yes. So sad. Of course comrade. Yes. You will have more guns now. Yes… more guns for your babies and democrats.
Update
At the time of publication, Heretic Foundation announced a new armory company called, Thoughts & Prayers Mfg.
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