What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?
Our esteemed relationship expert, and chief nut butter scientist, has won the coin toss and chooses to field this question, and will be receiving in the first half.
Dear Eugene Levy, Chief Nut Butter Scientist at The VNR,
I'm about to see this girl I really like. She's cool she's awesome. We like the same things and I think her mom is into me also, which is amazing. I met her when she was a dancer at Long Pony strip club. She'd just moved back from Vegas finishing her visiting artist position at Vulvateen Rabbit gentleman's club. Anyway, we got to talking during a private lap dance and we really hit it off! She got an associates degree in Home Economics with a double major in Fashion. I like lasagna and lingerie! Can you believe it? We like the same things! So anyway, we're on the fifth song now, and really making out while she's dancing on top of me and I'm getting close, y'know? When the song ends and another dancer takes the stage with this act where she's juggling these chainsaws but like in a really sexy way. So I asked my new friend, who's biting my ear by this point, and I ask her who that is. She got really excited and said that was her daughter. I almost lost it right there, y'know? So her mom, sitting in my lap and really grinding, waves her daughter over, and they're both built like brick houses with curves all the way down. She says, "Candi sweety, I want you to meet [I don't think I should use my real name]. I've been showing him a good time and think you two would really hit it off. He likes lingerie! Can you believe it?" So I go to introduce myself, say "Hi. I'mNic[whoa... almost slipped up there]" and before I finish Candi and her mom both jump on my lap and give me a lap dance, and then I start smoking the meth pipe in her cleavage.
My wife is at home so I don't want to hurt her by doing the wrong things with Candi-Sweety, or her moms, y'know? My wife means everything to me. I would never betray her.
So are there any red flags I should be aware of?
Sincerely,
Nick "Slick Fingaz" Angelo
422 NW Elm St. Apt 476
Jersey Harbor, WY
Whoa! Nicky-baby! Looks like you’re about to get that crink-crink in some stink-stink, rrm-kay! Good. For. You! You gotta treat yoself!
Go on King, slay that stink-stink!
Okay, but for realz Nick-baby. What’re you doing getting that crink-crink out at the clubs?? I see you. I see you want them club crabs up on your slay rod.
Okay, so I, Eugene Levy, Master of the Crink-Crink in that Stink-stink, celebrated comedian extraordinaire, am going to tell you what to watch out for.
10 Red Flags and How to Avoid Them, with Nut Butter
Club Crabs
Club Crabs are a definite red flag for women and some men. If there’s a snappy crustacean climbing your fishing pole, then you ain’t getting none, of, that, honey-pot!
You fix this by applying smears of fresh peanut butter on your main vein, your boogy apparatus. NEVER use almond butter! I think I just vomited. Avoid dogs.
Cleavage Pipes
Erm’kay baby Nicky… We ALL been there. You dancing. You’re having fun. You put your face in some tittay, cause you’re a man. I’m Eugene Levy, the Canadian Gift to the World, and I’ve been there. But you can’t just wrap your mouth-lips around the cleavage pipe! Prepare!!
Use a nice peanut butter lipstick. They come in amazing shades of beige Nicky!! Peanut Butter protects you from drugs, not like almond butter.
Too Much Breathing
Nicky! Nicky-Baby! Niii! Keeee!!! How much does she breathe?!? Eugene Levy hates a bitch that breathes more than 64 cubic-feet per minute.
Does she need more peanut butter? I think so, ’cause you know it ain’t cashew butter gonna fix her asthma.
Club Meth
What??? Are you trying to kill yourself? You need organic meth
Big Peanut Butter Inc., out of the Eastern Canadian Provinces, is dedicated to gluten free, alternative, holistic, free range, and organic meth. That fucking Almond Butter Co from Downton Abbey, Cleveland, can’t even make gluten free crack yet. Amateurs. I bet they sniff cashew butter!!! Nerds.
Salads
I can’t even with this shit. Are you trying to kill me Nicky!?! Me, Eugene Levy, sexual icon of SCTV? STOP KILLING ME!!
Look for the Eugene Levy brand of Peanut Butter salad dressings in your local super market. If you gotta eat like rabbits, at least put some Crink-Crink on that!!
Birds
Is she a bird?
Dump her ASS today Nicky!! And send an almond butter care basket. Hahaha. That’ll show her.
Quotes Shakespeare too much
Forsooth! Yon window breaks from the burden of a bountiful harvest of fancy quotes.
Put some peanut butter in your ears. It matches the color of your ear wax!!
Snoring
Now I have to say, snoring gets my sex organs singing hallelujah! All those sensual harmonies building up to an ejaculation of sound! But sometimes it can be too quiet.
If it’s too quiet, you can always put velvety peanut buttery smooth peanut butter in her nose when she sleeps. This is one trick you’ll never hear from doctors!
Builds a Nest
She sounds like a bird. What kind of nest though? Is it made of 401Ks or twigs?
Put out two dishes on the kitchen floor, one with almond butter, the other with 401Ks. Watch her pick. If she chooses the one with 401Ks then she’s not a bird!!
Flaps Wings to Stay in the Air
Okay… Nicky!! She’s definitely a bird!
Send her a cashew butter bath bomb… Birds hate that!!
Signing off… Eugene Levy, Canadian Sex God and purveyor of fine peanut butters, worldwide.
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