Greiknish, The Great Pestilence that Fell the Archangels Snap, Crackle, and Pop, The Scourge of Westphalia, and Fordyce’s Short Folly, who’s currently inhabiting the garage door at 432 W. Elm St, near the Four Seasons Hell-Mouth, is an evil demon with a desperate problem: how can it post big-league murder and slaughter numbers this Hell season while trapped in a garage door? He’s really got some ups and downs this season.

In past years, Vegas bookies had Greiknish as a regular Sweet 16 contender for Hell Seasons going back to The British Credit Crisis of 1773 where he burst out onto the scene in unforgettable style by possessing the spats and monocle of one of England’s top financial names and subtly ruining his investment plans by changing what he saw and where he walked.

Most rookies aren’t prepared for major league Hell seasons. Demons can often take centuries to rank up to professional Hell league progressing through the lower leagues: Poop, Shoot, Darn, Darn-It, Damn, Damnit, Shit, Fuck, Fucking Shit, and then finally leaving rookies and entering the Hell league, known colloquially by its pagan name, Holy Fucking Thunder Cock Shit Balls on a Maypole (HoFThuCS BoaMaP, for short).

But this season Greiknish looks like he won’t even make it out of regionals. He’s twenty-six games behind the HHL Southwest Temecula leader, Tim Mathers, your ex-husband who just wouldn’t fucking die after you shot, poisoned, drowned, and nagged him. Now that guy has staying power! Keep it going Tim Mathers, you masochist, and you’ll be heading to state finals in just a few weeks!

As of last game, Greiknish put up terrible numbers. I’m not even sure he’s trying anymore. The Great Pestilence seems more like The Mediocre Participant.  Let’s take a look at the numbers:

Stats			Stats
Murders	0		Horrific Maimings	0
Forced Nightmares for Runners	12		ERA	43%
Broken Fingers	4		Attacks of Nihilistic Ennui	14
Rebounds	4		Pets Eaten	2
Mostly Benign Maimings	63		Assists	129

No murders or horrific maimings? How does a garage door only have 4 rebounds? The hoop is right above! Just open the door a bit, get the rebound, get it back out in play, and knock a skateboarder into traffic. That’s a rebound and an assist! It’s clear this demon doesn’t have the passion for the position of “garage door.” I’ve seen demons go all the way to quarterfinals on one garage door alone!! The Springfield Anus Massacre of ’72 was completed by a neighborhood of garage doors and a veteran ice pick. If Greiknish doesn’t pick the stats up this will be a crushing season for a fan favorite.

The only way out now is by maxing out his assists and parlaying some of those into murders. If he can get one bloody murder–out of a group of sex cultists–with guts and penises hanging out of his empty windows from the gory aftermath, and his glass blows off the garage door and out into a family of squirrels just going to tiny Squirrel Mart because Peepaw passed away from being eaten by an unscrupulous, haunted garage door, THEN we can talk next week about advancing beyond regionals. Everyone knows, you kill squirrels, then you get dingos, and dingos eat babies.

Greiknish is an interesting demon. A total dick for sure, but behind that garage door exterior is an old soul playing a young demon’s game. Follow live as we interview it from the locker room.

VNR: Thanks for taking some time to talk with us champ. First, everyone at home wants the scoop. What gives? You've been a fan favorite for centuries and normally you're coasting into the Sweet 16 round with bile to spare. But this season has not been kind. Walk us through it.

GARAGE DOOR: <door lowers> <pause> <door raises half up> <half down> <door violently shutters while rising> <blood spew from windows>

VNR: That's a risky strategy Greiknish, The Great Pestilence that Fell the Archangels Snap, Crackle, and Pop, The Scourge of Westphalia, and Fordyce's Short Folly. If you can pull it off then you may surprise us all. But what about Tim Mathers? That guy put up points consistently throughout the game. He dominated the Masochist lanes down the paint. Lots of people think...

GARAGE DOOR: <door flies open> <river of blood pours out> <door slowly lowers>...

VNR: Whoa whoa whoa!!! There's no need for language like that. You have to admit you'll be coming from behind.

GARAGE DOOR: <door squeaks loudly as it slowly rises> <pauses> <shakes> <settles halfway open>

VNR: Alright, one sec. Where's the production crew for this interview?! Hey Vinny, Roscoe, T-Bone, go check out Greiknish's gear box. The demon says there's something stuck in there... Yeah... closer...

GARAGE DOOR: <slams shut> <the production team explodes under the force of the door closing> <laughing>

VNR: Holy Moly!!! GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! He did it!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! The Demon of OLD IS BACK!!!! Greiknish just put 3 murders up on the board with 2 forced nightmares for the neighborhood runners! This was a VNR exclusive!! You never know what happens next in Hell League here at The VNR!!!