From the Editor-in-Chief, Harry Dick.
The Onion is great, and we suck… or do we???
Dear readers, we got scooped the other day by our competition, the Great Green Lady, ONN. You may have learned recently that Glen Powell was recently battered, during planned & approved stunt work, by many of Sydney Sweeney’s breasts. Indeed, our sources indicate that Powell may have even been battered by all of them during the course of filming their rom-com.
We were about to report on the bruising to Powell’s face and ribs, but we were too late. The ONN beat us again, just like Constance Pluckington III (Sweeney’s self-named, left breast) beat Powell senselessly during their witty banter scene in the bar in the first half of the movie. You deserve better from us.
Their marketing is even great! Look at that headline! That decisive font, those perky emojis and logos. Even IF we published this fascinating story first, we’d still be second rate to The Onion’s polished style, and smarty-pants wording to make word trains… Sentences, right? They’re called, sentences? Fuck, we should really stop telling people we magradulated from “Hah’vud” with scrolls in writing and thinking good.
Our staff can’t compare with that level of professionalism. We just can’t. We scored “poopy dumb-dumbs” on our IQ tests. So yeah. The Onion is great, and we suck… or do we???
They may have published this first. But we think they missed a few details that we invented to pad this story. And boy is everyone involved going to be surprised.
Reviewing the movie again showed a disturbing amount of makeup on Powell’s face, which we calculated was required to cover the bruising and scarring caused by Sweeney’s many other breasts.
Shit happens. Boobs gotta boob.
attributed to Sydney Sweeney when a purse is purloined, a murder turns most foul, or Powell gets another case of galactic sex-pox
And what of Sydney’s other breasts? Our crack team of investigative shitheads and glizzy guzzlers discovered a sordid past for the breast collective. Their names, in order of Sweeney’s least to most favorite based on an index of glitter glam, are: Knuckles McGee, Constance Pluckington III, Vanilla Lightning, Velveeta Cheez, and The Scampy Kick-Puncher.
Violence among the Sweeney breasts runs unchecked by law or ethical code. Sources close to Sweeney report that she just doesn’t have the time to keep her career going and raise five breasts to be upstanding citizens. “Shit happens. Boobs gotta boob.” as Sweeney is often heard to say on set when someone’s wallet goes missing, loaded dice are found at the table-reads, or Powell is whored out once again to the PAs.
We’ll keep you updated on this amazing, unbelievable expose as it unfolds, and if we have time between our hippie drum circle sessions on the beach and late night munchies with Karl Urban (that guy is totally chill… maybe. Okay, it’s actually just a life sized cut out of him eating munchies in a robe and slippers… But still so chill).
Did you learn ALL THIS from The Onion? Well, did ya? Didjya!? Dijjah!!? I don’t think so. That’s what happens when they rush an article.
Take that Onion! You rizz-skibidi-twerks!
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