The offices of Facebook are empty most days with employees working from home. In the fourteenth sub basement of Meta HQ, the once buzzing offices of the Cryogenics Research and Personnel Storage division are mostly vacant. The feeling now is colder, lonelier, with offices being vacant except for the frozen clone bodies of Meta executives and their buxom paramours. At the back of the floorplan, beyond the cryogenic, penile enhancement device and the spermatozoa filtration plant, is the office of the lead researcher of Ethics in Social Media. His office is cramped with a book about ethics and scattered sticky notes about the importance of ethics when digitally stalking barely legal teens. For privacy purposes, we’ve changed his name to Dr. Wank McTickles. Dr. McTickles has been working alone, at the office, for over four years now and it is clear that office dynamics have changed. No one comes into the office and the only way people see each other is over Zoom calls. No more water fountain chats. No more jokes about “makin copies” while making copies in the copy room. No after work conversations about the hanging naked cryo clones and speculating about who just got demoted by the number of sex clones removed from their cryo pod. With all this social upheaval in the workplace that’s keeping us all working at home, Dr. Wank McTickles–and men around the country–are asking the same question: “When can I start masturbating on a Zoom call?” Additionally, a few men have begun asking, “should I even be doing this with the video camera on?”

Most men are naturally ready to drop trou as part of the initial introductions. In an Arizona-based, feminine hygiene company, one employee, Elon Musk, a malfeasant, entry-level programmer working on mass-producing HD scents for douches, is known for turning on his camera in mid-stroke and ejaculating on the camera when the meeting organizer begins talking, and then shouts…

“YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T TAAAAAAKE!!!! AAAUUIUGGHHHUUYGHIUGH!!!! UGH… Immigrants are ruining the economy. Okay, what’s this meeting about?”

While vastly perplexing to most people, this approach does illustrate the male desire to ejaculate as a way to introduce themselves to new and old acquaintances, co-workers, step-siblings, and family pets. But it does lack a bit of tact, as many detractors of the practice repeat that these men should, “read the room,” “don’t do that,” or “stop killing unborn children you Satanist by spilling your seed into a sock, the shrubs, or on top of Mrs. Dobson’s tabby.”

Other men take less aggressive approaches, preferring a more professional and socially sensitive demeanor to punishing their turgid meat sticks during quarterly profit analysis meetings. Ted Cruz, a travel guide for Cancun, Mexico, and travelling condom salesman, proposes that at the end of each meeting everyone take the final minute to build office morale by masturbating on the live video meeting. Each day for Mr. Cruz, starts by waking up before the sun, getting ready for another grueling day walking his beat and carrying his suitcase of designer Martha Stewart condoms. After 5 hours of knocking door-to-door, Mr. Cruz will take lunch at the local Starbucks, find an unused table, and start the Zoom app on his phone. Minutes later, Mr Cruz, and others from his sales region join the sales call by waving a friendly hello to each other and holding up their fingers to the video in a way to signify the “Quiet Coyote.” Everyone quiets down, they review their sales projections, goals, best-sellers, and dumb-dumb poopy-heads. Once the matters of business are discussed, the men of the meeting quickly strip down to just their company polos, white ankle-high socks, and high-arch support leather shoes, and begin screaming like shit-throwing apes while masturbating with a handful of Starbucks’ cake pops (now on sale through the end of the month!). Many of the men will smash their penises with their laptops or, in a sexual frenzy, use their penises to stir the coffee and creamer of local patrons. This practice took Mr. Cruz’s local Starbucks by surprise the first 86 times it happened. But then the local Starbucks manager started the practice on his company’s regional Zoom calls. Over the past 2 years, this has become the most widely adopted method for men to masturbate on company Zoom calls throughout the US and North Korea. The Canadian variant of this is the “Sorry, not Sorry” approach where the only difference is when finally climaxing the men will yell,

“SORRY!!! AAAUUUURRRGHHHHHHH Ugghhh… Not sorry eh. Anyone have a Labatts?”

Yet still there is another way for men to signal their impending whitewashing of the video conference. Among the upper-crust British nobles, it’s become commonplace to ask the participants if anyone would care for some “White Poupon.” Each member of the meeting has the chance to ask, and then to respond if they would, or would not, like a dollop of White Poupon. Attendees are then assigned different smaller chat rooms–based upon who they responded to in the affirmative–to give and receive the White Poupon. 45-minutes is then carved out into each meeting to share the salty condiment. In fact, this practice has become so popular that the House of Lords assigned 52 minutes of each meeting to the “Minutes of the White Poupon.” This method, we feel, truly shows the height of man’s nobility by taking an ask-first approach before firing the “seamen from the HMS Pounder”

With all this focus on the male orgasm, we wondered about how women are handling the compulsive desire to masturbate on Zoom calls now that most people are working from home and cannot pleasure themselves quietly in their shared cubicle like a decent human. To summarize 100% of female respondents, “We’re doing it right now.”