Greta Thunberg had an amazing 2022 and wrapped it up by getting narcissistic, abusive, twat-waffle, Andrew Tate, locked up in Romanian prison (or Turkish prison… or maybe Azerbaijan.. okay, well it was definitely a country with prisons that you do not want to get raped in). Ms. Thunberg’s supporters are climbing out of the woodwork to praise her fierce efforts. Said one supporter:

“Oh man. She’s totally taking on the climate and when she’s not showing it who’s boss now she’s taking down sex trafficking fuck faces one tweet at a time. I mean, is there anything she can’t do? I hope not. I’m a 43 year old man who really needs a nineteen year old woman to fix the world so I won’t have to stop lighting my cigarettes by igniting an acre of rainforest with napalm. That smokey taste really adds to the flavor. I need to live my truth. By the way, didn’t Greta dragon-punch someone’s kidneys out because they bought a coal-fired laptop? She’s so epic.”

EDITOR'S NOTE: For this article we were going to create a mock Twitter post about Ms. Thunberg so we decided to read real replies to her posts. 

and... Holy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

You people are fucking horrible, horrible humans. I mean, I can't even with you crazy shit birds. How the fuck did you make it past fifth grade? You have the emotional capacity of rotted Spam Spam bacon and Spam.

Jesus fucking fuck... Ugh... Back to the story. END EDITOR'S NOTE.

People magazine, recently announced that Greta Thunberg is the 2022-2040-ish adult of the year. In a surprise move the honor was bestowed upon Ms Thunberg for the next about eighteen years. When asked why the honor was for such a long period a spokesperson for People magazine—Herms Mouthguard Derckleson—said:

“she’s nineteen years old and can fix the planet for us. Looks like she’s got it under control, right? To be honest it was either her or George Clooney’s very perfect chin. It was a tough call but in the end we felt Ms Thunberg was more responsible than Clooney’s fabulous chin with a dashingly coiffed salt and pepper stubble. Now that she’s the world’s adult I can get back to boiling my coffee by burning old tires… right?”

Herms Mouthguard Derckleson, of People magazine

Now that Greta Thunberg is the world’s only adult she inherited everyone else as one of her children. Having custody for 7 billion people can get tricky. You know there will be 6,999,999,998 people with middle child syndrome. Will she be able to convince all of us that she loves us all the same, while fixing the planet? Will Greta be an absentee parent to us while she focuses on “fixing the planet” instead what matters most—quality time with her kids?

When asked for comment, momma Thunberg had this to say…

Why has responsibility for the planet, and catching human trafficking twat-nozzles, fallen to the shoulders of a nineteen year old Swedish woman? Are humans that apathetic? Is complacency the behavior d’jour? When did the Latin phrase, Foetorem extremae latrinae et Nutricula seditiosorum omnium, stop meaning “Seize the day?”

Our expert in behavioral analytics, with a PhD in super hero origin stories, theorizes another theoretical theory: this is just the beginning for Greta Thunberg.

“You see, and this is so exciting, we are witnessing this young woman’s transition into becoming a human of enhanced capabilities. The stresses of her life, her growth and biological changes into womanhood mixed with the changing chemistry of Earth’s air-quality, all are coming together to transform this brilliant young woman into, well y’know, a superhero! I’ve been expecting a superhero to rise for the past ten years but to see it be young Greta is amazing! I even predicted the skimpy latex outfit this superhero would wear, their superhero name, and the exact date we would fall in love, and then get married. Oh! I’m so excited!”

Vidalia News Recorder’s lead and media liaison for the Behavioral Analytics group at Vidalia News Recorder.

Whatever happens in the future, Greta Thunberg is now a single parent to 7 billion children and one very sick planet.

We love you Mom. We promise we’ll call more. We’ve just busy, y’know… doing… stuff. Yes, I know. We’ll separate the recycling better, and we promise not to roll coal anymore.

We’re Sorry, Greta-mom

All of us at Vidalia News Recorder.