– Note from Editor in Chief, Michael Búble (not to be confused with Michael Bublé. He has an accent on the ‘e’ and got his start in hard hitting satirical journalism before becoming a pop sensation, whereas I place the accent on the ‘u’ and got my start in modeling bananas in men’s underwear before helming the greatest satirical news paper in Temecula backed by not-illegal peanut sales).
What the fuck is wrong with people? We just opened up Twitter, and oh god, I think the entire reporting staff has PTSD.
Furthermore, what the fuck is wrong with us? Why did we even go there? We heard rumors that Twitter was a vile cesspool of bubbling shit, but before this moment those were just rumors with no documented history of it being true. Somehow, no one knew that Twitter was so awful. Like, you suspected, maybe, but couldn’t be sure.
We’re Just like… Fuck. I mean… Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Y’know?
Well, now we know.
We have 100% proof that Twitter is where people go to be shitheads. And to you, dear reader, we apologize for joining Twitter. I can’t believe it, but we even tweeted.
This quote refers to text that you just read, in this article
We fucking tweeted!!! What were we thinking?! We’re not curing cancer or promoting global stability, economic partnerships, or an end to wars! No! We’re a bunch of oversexed, late twenties, brunette nymphets who wear latex skirts or cheerleader outfits to work and then play with our vibrators when our wittle bwains hurt from all the typing. <Cute pouting, tee hee>
Like every common asshole who thought what we had to say was devastatingly important to everyone else. We even replied to NASA with our insane babble!
And look, Russia is LITERALLY using Twitter to destabilize democracies. Why are the rest of us still using it (well, y’know, aside from watching TikTok porn. Our wittle skirts don’t raise themselves)?!!
Despite our hesitation to use Twitter, because of our fraying sense of decency and social morality, our newsroom knows this is where news happens. Who said what? When did they say it? Who responded to the first person? Who got triggered four levels deep into the tweets and is speaking out about their experiences on Twitter? Those are the only questions that matter. No other questions matter when it comes to news, none. Don’t even try to silence my speaking out by asking questions about the actual event. Listen to my experience!
Questions like the following are irrelevant in a post-research and fact-adjacent news media:
- What’s the context?
- Do 160 characters really convey the full complexity of the statement?
- What happened OUTSIDE of Twitter?
- Is anyone who’s tweeting actually relevant in training or experience to the topic?
- Where are the Twitter moderators trying to calm everyone the fuck down?
- Will Twitter start delivering weed to all its users so everyone can just chill out man?
- What actually happened?
Cover Image Attribution
Artist
George Overbury "Pop" Hart, born Cairo, IL 1868-died New York City 1933
Credit Line
Smithsonian American Art Museum, Transfer from the National Museum of American History, Division of Graphic Arts, Smithsonian Institution
1923
Object number
1971.216
Restrictions & Rights
CC0
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