“Where’s the Beef?” This question, and many others, are being asked of the once great Onion News Network. Ariana Grande recently tweeted: “I haven’t read one repulsive dick joke, or laughed at a Christian in the past few weeks. I’m beginning to doubt that Mrs. Claus-in coordination with Syrian President-is staging a war on Christmas and Christianity. Can the ONN even score greater than 82 jords on the Leikman-Gonad Scale for ground breaking news satire?”

Ariana Grande, chief head lead researcher at The Leikman-Gonad Institute for Meritorious Bastards And Legally Legitimate Satirists (known colloquially as Lego-In-Me-Balls), has studied the worrying trend of declining journalistic satire in recent years. In fact, studies suggest that Mrs. Grande (not to be confused with Ariana Grande, the mega pop star who couldn’t even score 81 on the Leikman-Gonad scale! I mean come on, what are we, fucking cavemen?!) can pinpoint the moment when excellence in journalistic satire started its troubling decline. Enter Jords and Blorts.

Jords? Go Fuck your Mother.

The quality of satirical excellence in journalism has long been measured in scientifically calibrated units of Jord.

Tabulating Jord scores evolved over the years. When first discovered, by Elvis Presley Leikman and Harry Gonad, in 1776, calculating satirical journalism was simpler. Most satire was written with locally sourced gossips and trollops or smeared on filthy bathroom doors. But since the invention of thinking and science, we’ve come a long way in understanding satire through study and observation of Jords, the fundamental unit of satirical journalism. Also, penises and vaginas.

Current Jord calculation requires a much deeper understanding of comedy, and the physical laws of Jords. Current calibration theories approach Jord scoring using the following process, as seen in the below illustration.

The approach starts with an optimized bullshit filtration system, lovingly crafted into wafer thin sheets for processing through a multivariate synergization to interactively initiate cost effective experiences and fungibly brand premier testing procedures and then to interactively plagiarize enabled satirical interfaces. Lastly, the omnibobulation processing, from which the final Jord score is produced, refines even the most troubling and pungent of truths into fresh, effervescent, easily-digestible rose petals of hilarious bullshit.

So What Happened to the Onion?

Analysts are not in agreement on what became of the Great Green Lady or why her Jords scores can’t stay erect. Most suggest that a prolific appetite for square groupers, mixed with Jord inflation and the Eastern European torque drought brought the ONN to her knees <wink wink, nudge nudge>. However, forensic analysis of the Jord exchange suggests that a new journalistic satire derivation method could be undermining Jord dominance.

Enter the Blort.

Blorts? Also Please Go Fuck Your Father.

Invented by Blortimous Blortowski, the Blort streamlines satirical journalism analysis by professionally extending fully researched potentialities with quickly delivered out of the box wins. This process chart explains it all.

When calculating The Onion’s satirical potentiometrics, vis-a-vis tranches of late stage capital-satire, shows improved performance with Blort measurements. But is it enough to save the ONN from demise in a saturated satirical journalism market? Newcomers to the satire market include: Fox News (headed by Tucker Carlson), RT, and the National Review, and by all accounts have ravaged the satirical journalism marketplace of ideas by skipping the comedy and satire, and peddling pure bullshit.

When should we use Jords or Blorts? The graphs illustrate the strengths of each through rating of satirical journals through different standards and units of measure in satirical journalism systems.

So… Jords or Blorts?

Fans of the ONN are interested in the Blort scale since it’s adoption in 18 of the G7 countries. In fact, 18 of 20 G7 countries use Blorts to access and analyze satirical journalism, because people who use Jords are poopoo heads.

Fans of The Vidalia New Recorder (or Vidalia Heads) are often heard reciting the partisan line: “If people who use Jords are poopoo heads, then people who use Blorts have the clap, because they probably slept with my wife.”

Note from the Editor

We understand that while the Blorts based efficacy of the once great Onion News Network is in decline, we have no doubt the “Green Lady” will carry the mantle of satirical journalism into the next 4/5ths millennia. With it’s pivotal roles as: chief intelligence network for the world’s idiots, special security force for Temecula’s 18th largest meth conglomerate, and special counsel to Big Almond Butter, ONN is poised to maintain market dominance in legitimate, satirical journalism. That’s if they can stave off the growing threat of young, plucky, hungry satirical news organizations, like our humble paper, The Vidalia News Recorder.

For a limited time, VNR will offer an olive branch of peace, to ONN, out of respect for The Green Lady. Despite our market valuation of $17B, a steal of a deal to be honest, we agree to merge with ONN for $2M. This offer is good until Sunday (your know which one), after which the price will increase, $2 every week.

Choose wisely ONN. Our Jord based approach is provably better than Blorts. Time is running out.

The ball is in your court now.

… heh heh heh… balls.