Deep in the heart of Echo Park, Los Angeles, CA, sits a bold new experiment in healthcare services. If you take the 10 to the 405 then up to the 101, over to the 110 then right on Venice and North on Highland East on Olympic and South on Western then to Washington and finally up the 405 to the 101, 210 to the 60, then over to the 10 and up La Cienega you’ll finally come to a hidden gem of the healthcare industry, the Insensitive Care Outpatient Clinic on the campus of the Reagan-Schwarzenneger Hospital, known locally as Our Lady of Blessed Idiots. Already the nation’s number one medical facility for training the greatest actors to be smoldering doctors and sex-crazed nurses on sitcoms and scripted dramas, and third straight year recipient of the prestigious JD Power and Associates for Best Medical Appliance Replica Repair degree program, the Reagan-Schwarzenneger Hospital promotes its dedication to patient well being by opening the very first Insensitive Care Outpatient Clinic in the country, founded by Mr. Schwarzenegger and Mahmoud Igowa Kleinfelder, BA in poetic anthropology of ringworm mating rituals of the mid-late early middle ages.

I sat down with Kleinfelder to discuss the future of his business, the chic destination healthcare industry and why his latest foray has staying power.

“The economics of it, they just work, when you think about it. Why pay 15%-123% more just to get courtesy and competence? Our staff are already experienced in healthcare practices. After they leave the Good Hospital from down the road, having worked a straight 12-18 hours, they pick up a second shift here. We don’t pay them was much in the Insensitive Care Outpatient Clinic, because they start the shift burned out and likely to make plenty of mistakes. Why should our customers pay premium prices for low quality work? They shouldn’t!

“The destination healthcare industry is definitely a cottage industry with large returns for risk-titillated investors. Unlike other businesses in the space-which offer customized attendant services, kale enemas and cantaloupe lobotomies, or 24/7 blow jobs from BDSM sex robots dressed like Danny DeVito mated with a single staple-we offer rude service at low prices with a devil may care attitude and a near lethal splash of legal negligence. A perfect experience for that special someone in your life who’s too rich and cosseted by a false sense of inherent superiority amplified by near limitless wealth to understand daily life.” – Kleinfelder.

The project is also important to Arnold Schwarzenegger (former governator of California and opening plot for the Lifetime original movie “Timelines of Love: The Sarah Connor story”), the champion of the Insensitive Care Outpatient Clinic, and current COO. When asked about how he came up with the idea he had a lot to say. Unfortunately I couldn’t get any of it down. He didn’t ask for anonymity or any other journalistic protection, but every time he started talking all I could hear was him saying: “Get your Ass to Mahz!” I was dying laughing. Every five minutes, I’d interrupt him to ask if he ever “Got hiz Ass to Mahz?!” Then, his assistant walked in and whenever she started talking I shouted out “It’s not a Toomah!” Classic Schwarzenegger! We were laughing like a bunch of hooligans doped up on nitrous, Tide-pods, and Ivermectin. Seven hours later, we woke up on the corner of 3rd and Slauson with heroin needles in our toes, a fifty-five gallon drum of edible gummies, and half a police officer in the driver’s seat with his hands expertly on the wheel and a turkey-baster. Classic Schwarzenegger! His final words about the importance of this clinic were something like: “blah blah blah, provide affordable healthcare, blah blah blah, it’s what Jesus would do, kind of, blah blah blah, does not want return from the future as cyborg and kill us all.”

When asked why Americans could not afford quality healthcare and how the Insensitive Care Outpatient Clinic was meeting the healthcare demand for poorer Americans, Kleinfelder had this to say. “Wait. What? Americans are coming to us because they can’t afford regular healthcare?? That’s insane. I thought we were just a popular hipster destination for people too cool to take anything important seriously, like Joe Rogan, and Moscow Mitch. Now that guy, he knows how to party. I have three nurses practicing their McConnell schtick for patients asking if Obamacare will cover their cancer treatments. One word: Death-Panels. Oh man, cracks me up every time. Of course we admit those patients but man you should see their faces when our nurses pretend to be McConnell and mentions Death-Panels. He’s such a dick, but great for business!”

As a new patient and her family arrive, Kleinfelder quietly recites lines from multiple routines, including the recently popular: Socialized-medicine-killed-your-family. These are a few highlights

• “Our hopes and prayers are with you.”
• “You talk so much the windbags on capital hill are inviting you to the next healthcare filibuster.”
• “The Obamacare Death Panel orgy decided your husband will die. Join us in reception for DingDongs and Diet Tab.”
• “Your six year old died in preschool to defend every white man’s right to the second amendment. She’s the real patriot. Join me in a double-dab of silence to commemorate her sacrifice.”
• “Good news. Your test results came back. Looks like you can start that crystal meth habit after all.”
• “By helping me reform health care in the United States, we overturned parts of Obamacare that would overburden the welfare state by paying for your cancer treatments.”
• “Well if you can’t pay for medical care, let me introduce you to Ernie. He’s a ten year gold medalist in competitive knee capping.”
• “Knock-knock. Who’s there? The only joke here is how much you’re paying me for routine lab work!”
• “Your cyst/tumor/growth is a stab in the eye of democrats everywhere who think everyone should have access to healthcare.”
• “Medically speaking, you’ve got excellent bazoombas. Have you heard of OnlyFans?”
• “Broke your finger huh? Looks like you’ll need chemotherapy and dialysis. Hum, still $250k short for my new boat. Oh, and you’ll need a lung, liver, and left leg transplant. Can’t be too careful. That finger looks swollen!”

“We have fun here. Not one patient, who was able to find our rating system, gave us less than four stars. And we’re just getting started! Soon we’ll be in strip malls and questionable late night massage parlors alike. We’re just trying to do the lord’s work, praise his name and strength for getting me that new tv and dime bag of cocaine. Oh man, you’ll love this. Did I tell you about the doctor that performed the first two hours of a colonoscopy with a toothbrush. What a jerk! The patient? That doctor cleaned him out and wrecked ’em. Actual charges to the patient? $27. Beat that Danny DeVito medical sex robot!”

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Updates: As of publishing date, Mr. Schwarzenegger has yet to get “his ass to Mahz” and the Danny DeVito look-alike medical sex-robot will begin improv lessons in the Fall after landing the role of the bachelor in the newest season of The Bachelor.