This is a roundup of major political and sporting events for the month of June, 2021. This reporting is sponsored by Dumpster Fires, Local 4921. “When it’s politics as usual, you can count on your Dumpster Fires rep to be there. Dumpster Fires, when inflation prices you out of common sense. When living your best life actually means stabbing your country in the back, Dumpster Fires, we’re there for you. When your date gets drunk in front of her toddler, daughter before vomiting on the best man’s shoes, the Dumpster Fires Union will be there to get her a Red Bull and live stream the whole event.”
What happened last month?! One dumpster fire after another. Trump loses rigged election for office of Germany’s Stable-Genius President. France says au revoir to unnecessary letters, or should I say: “o vwah?” And McConnell announces his free agency in the International League of the US Senate Fantasy Football Conference.
Trump Loses Election to Germany’s Top Office.
“It was Rigged!” Quote from Donald Trump about losing in the latest rigged election for the office of President of Germany.
The German Federal Election, for Office of the Stable-Genius President, happened on July 4th “like it does every election. Don’t let these losers fool you, me, or them. They’re scared. We’re not. Not even Oh-Sama Oh-Bama, or Shakin’ Joe Biden could’ve beat Anglicuh Merkehlrh. And I did. I promise. We have the votes. We did it. But they won’t even show the results. We had the largest election turn out, in the history of America Germany. But they’re stealing it. Are you gonna let them do this to me? I worked hard America to be the top guy in Russia Germany. That’s what they say. Everybody’s saying it. Not me, y’know, what do I know. But I’ll tell you what America, where was Germany when we needed them, fighting for our independence against my personal friend, Boris Johnson?”
In response, the German Bundestag is unaware of any German national election commemorating American Independence, nor that Donald Trump was running for any office. When asked what position the 45th president of the United States could run for within German government, Axl Weldmuttschreibbrauchenkopf had this to say: “As a global leader in renewable energies, we would love to hire Mr. Trump at our wind farms. He could make political rallies when wind-energy production is low. He’ll have his own red tie, overly large of course, and a group of acting interns to cheer on demand at his rallies. Our national production of wind energy will pick up by 25% in the first year alone.”
France Stops Printing Unpronounced Letters in Latest Round of Eco-Laws
As part of Emmanuel Macron’s push for a stronger national stance on Global Warming, France agrees to stop printing all useless letters. This includes letters that are not pronounced, redundant, or do not contribute to a written word. The French Ministry of Language estimates that the language will drop between 18-56% of printed letters. Further estimates show that French publications will reduce lumber consumption by 30% in the first three years.
Anonymous sources inside the Ministry of Language confirm that voting almost killed the measure. A vote of 18-17 confirmed the new spellings. With five seats of les immortels vacant, voting was tense with no clear expectations. Macron heralded the vote as the ideal of the New France. Saying, “this is the France that can look ahead, and change to meet new demands. Our France can rise to meet this, and every new challenge before us.”
New dictionaries will be printed by 2022, and will focus on the new changes to print spellings. As a celebration of the eco-friendly rule, Macron and members of the Ministry will attend a ribbon cutting ceremony on an uncut forest, the size of Maine. Quote from a member of the Ministry of Language, “clearing this virgin forest will make the pages necessary for our echo friendly dictionary of print spellings. We look forward to cutting down these trees to save the Earth from Global Warming… Wait, Sacre Bleu!”
Examples of French phrases and their new spellings are:
- “L’habit ne fait pas le moine”, and its new spelling will be: “labi ne fa pa le moin.” A 30% reduction without harming readability
- “Je suits français ton animal” becomes: “j’aime l’amérique”
- “comme une lune, son amour me guide à travers la nuit, et comme le soleil son amour m’aveugle le jour” then becomes: “euh, les filles sont jolies”
Mitch McConnell Discusses Free Agency in Upcoming US Senate Fantasy Football Conference, International League
Speaking from the steps of Crimson Whiskey Bar, in Washington DC, McConnell’s chief of staff, Alexey Bihimoff, announced that Senator McConnell was considering free agency in the upcoming US Senate Fantasy Football Season, International League.
Having married into the Chinese team back in ’93, Bihimoff states that McConnell has done amazing work for the international community for decades and that McConnell feels stifled under his current contract. Quote from Bihimoff, “We think the sun set on the great Eastern Empire. McConnell do good work for China, and international community for many years. So much legislation jammed up. So many confirmations gone nowhere. And poor Mitch treated like stupid little baby. Look what they do to his hand, all black and blue. Now, Moscow Mitch is big boy. We proud of him back home. Maybe we pick him up in the regular season. Wink wink.”
If McConnell does enter free agency, we can reasonably expect the Moscow team to pick him up for at least a four year contract. He’ll score big in legislative malfeasance but low in entering new laws.
Vidalia News Recorder 