We’ve all been there, sitting in the marriage counselor’s office, hoping for words of wisdom to heal our broken hearts and bring us closer to the weirdo we’ve promised to spend the rest of our life with. You and your weirdo both wanting to get back to the business of marriage, getting your crink-crink in that stink-stink. Enter medicinal porn.

Pornologic therapies have been around for over two thousand years. Even as far back as 20,000 years ago, pornographic cave paintings are believed to have helped neanderthal couples deal with the stresses of life, love, dating, romance, and “having it all.”

But how far has the evolution of pornologic therapies come since then? While provably advantageous to introduce a healthy supply of porn into couples counseling, the question remains, is your counselor recommending the best porn for you and your partner?

Here are some signs that it might be time to ditch the shrink, and get a new one that can prescribe the best medicinal porn for you and your partner.

1. Threesome Thursdays now involve your Uncle Ted, instead of sassy Aunt Suzy
2. You develop active flora and fauna in your nether jungle. Thanks Uncle Ted.
3. Your husband loses out on that big promotion at work
4. Sometimes, you feel gassy
5. You’ve started pointing out when people have “A case on the Mondays,” but on Tuesdays
6. Your children start tying up their Tickle-Me-Elmo in hentai ropes
7. Not even Bourbon helps you do the ungodly act your husband is begging for
8. Your neighbors stop peeping through your windows to take notes
9. Your stalker breaks up with you and sends a card of condolences to your husband or wife
10. You don’t know what an Eiffel Tower is.
11. Your menstrual cycle happens once every 3-8 weeks
12. Your breasts aren’t symmetrical
13. The other moms at the PTA talk about you in hushed whispers when you’re not looking
    1. Stop it Sharon! You’re not better than me! “Filipino Ass Phillies 12” could’ve saved the yoga class from that thirteen person downward dog pileup, killing nine and injuring another four
14. Your husband stops having a second cup of coffee at home
15. Your scrambled eggs are always runny.

Is this what your life has come to? Are you not “having it all,” “living your truth,” “or “being your best self?” Of course you’re not. You’re a fucking human, and life is fucking hard. By the end of it all Life will take everything from you that you worked so hard to build. Your life force will be ebbing away while a new generation of fuckbois steers this world into the last ice berg as Timon and Pumba continue dancing to their one hit wonder, completely oblivious to the impact that an individual has on the world if they just fucking try a little bit.

….

That’s why we have porn. The new school of Pornologic Studies at the Northern University of Temecula State (Go NUTS!), opened in 2021, hopes to address these issues through the study and rigorous application of medicinal pornophotic materials. Upcoming studies include:

• Laser Bitches of Andromeda 12
• Sensual Peanut Butter Malaise 15
• Rudolph the Red-Tipped Reindeer
• Honey, I Shrunk the Dildos
• Dumpster Fires on Prom Night

Call your marriage counselor today to find out which medicinal porn study is right for you!

1-800-PORN