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Asshole journalist won’t cite Wikipedia because of journalistic integrity yet cites Twitter tweets as an authoritative news source.

Doucheface McCunterson, a newsroom veteran, has earned some of journalism’s highest honors, gaining popularity, renown, and a syndicated column focusing on journalistic ethics. Last year McCunterson won the Smug award from some assholes on the awards committee, and a Pulitzer-the year before-for the articles: “Fuck Relevance, Journalism in the Age of Social Media,” “Facts and Twitter, It Must be True,” “Fluffing the Lede, Replacing Journalism with Utter Fucking Bullshit.”

We’ve reviewed McCunterson’s articles over the past five years and noticed the following trends:

• Each year saw an average 25-40% increase in Twitter and Facebook citations
• This year sees a significant increase, with over 90%, of articles directly quoting tweets on Twitter
• The percentage of text related to matters of public concern dwindled by a corresponding 25-50%, as cited tweets increased.
• The startling lack of information for the public good forced our staff to label all articles written by McCunterson as toxic to the public welfare. Or, to quote a random Twitter user, NAZI_TESTACLES_N_UR_M0M writes: “Watch America swallow itself as predicted by Prophet Trump with late stage capitalism and goat herds of sheeple cucks begging covfefe Q bloody coup libtards!!!”
• The increased banality has directly lead to an increase in anality in McCunterson’s articles
• Lexical analysis from articles of the past five years show a steady decline in the reading level, with the majority of McCunterson’s articles now below the standard to read Dr. Seuss’ lesser known book: “Cocks on Cops, and Chicks with Dicks”
• Jesus fucking Christ. We quoted NAZI_TESTACLES_N_UR_M0M, in a public article, and put our name on it. Our entire newsroom will be binging Grey’s anatomy while eating a gallon of Rocky Road, and examining the life choices we made that brought us here.
• Jesus titty fucking Christ. Why are we the only newsroom to feel remorse about this?

McCunterson is an early pioneer of introducing social media into reporting. Starting as a reporter during college, at The University of My Dad is Fucking Loaded, McCunterson deftly dodged reporting on details of social relevance by replacing them with social responses to events. This is clip from a 1995 article shows where the magic began.

Water Pipe Explodes on Third Floor of Herringbone-Snorngwall House
– by Doucheface “Bump n Toot” McCunterson IV

Last night, on the women’s floor of Herringbone-Snorngwall House, a water pipe exploded at roughly 8:30p. When given the chance to ask the facilities plumbing staff what the cause was, how long repairs would take, or ask the administration why maintenance budgets were slashed despite the largest freshman class yet, I instead asked students what they thought about the water pipe exploding. “Well yes. Frightful isn’t it? I can’t tell which is the olive and which is the shit-bit in my martini. Bottoms up! You only have as many lives as you have bags of Nazi gold in the basement under the servant’s unmarked graves!” – Abigail Patience Herringbone-Snorngwall of the Temecula West-End Herringbone-Snorngwalls (not the East-Bay Temecula Herringbone-Snorngwalls, sluts). As you can see, this aquatic tragedy has shaken the campus to its core and destroyed trust in the administration, whom we have not sought comment nor explanation from. The second part in our series will focus on the reaction from, Ellen DeGeneres, the yayo and weed dealer on the second floor.

Sept 4th, 1995, edition of The Diamond-Caviar Daily Tribune.

By the time Twitter launched in 2006, McCunterson was already proficient at padding columns with gossip. But the emergence of the soon-to-be tech giant, sparked an idea in a man already known for revolutionizing the demise of critical thinking in journalism.

“What if a journalist could avoid journalism AND writing while filling whole columns with words and passing it off as engaging debate through referencing the completely unlearned opinions of bored assholes on the internet? Ring-Ring. I have to get that. It’s the Boner Phone…. Now, if only I could get a Nation-State somehow involved.”

Interview with Doucheface McCunterson on “The Furry Financial Hour: with Lou Dobbs,” 2007.

Despite the hubris involved in McCunterson’s sociopathic approach to social welfare in journalism, morals, or a solid work ethic, McCunterson does denounce the use of Wikipedia for any reference or research work.

Wikipedia? More like Dumbpedia. LOLZ
😱🍆🍆⁉️🤣💯

@PM_ME_YOUR_TWITTIES!!, Twitter handle for McCunterson

We reached out to Doucheface McCunterson for comment. We cannot print his reply here.

In related news, Twitter will be launching a news service where journalists and publicists request quotes from Twitter users. Each quote is tailored to the client request and new user accounts are created parroting the required text, passable enough for news rooms around the world: CNN, Fox, Yahoo Financial, CBS, Breitbart, OANN, BuzzFeed, and many more. According to Twitter user, @I_AM_NOT_JACK_DORSEY_LOLZ, immediate valuation for the service is estimated at $1Bujillion. We see no reason to question the validity of this, so we report it here, assuming it’s a fact…

… Because it’s on Twitter.