Well, you cannot believe what I’m about to show. It, like, literally, blows my freaking mind. Like, if I had a sparkle shotgun of love spunk, OMG you guys, I’d blow my freaking mind all over the place. That’s right. Me, Eugene Levy, the voice of gettin-yo-freak-on with that crink-crink! Erm’kay you sexy ass divas! Check this out. We bout to go all 100!

As you know, I’m all about getting that low down on people who think they shit don’t stink, Erm’kay? You can’t get that crink-crink and then think you can hide it from me, Eugene Levy. I’m the baddest biiiitch of the crinks, twinks, skrinks. If you getting it, and you ain’t telling me, Eugene Levy, then I’m putting you on blast!

I just heard about a major development in the panty division, right now, between… OMG! I kernt believe it! I just got secret sexages (that’s short for “sex messages” for all you pumpkin spice wanting, basic bitches out there. Not for me, Eugene Levy. King of the crink-crink on that stink-stink) between two of the republicans most eligible members. But all you fans in Levytown, know it’s not my most eligible member, aka Jizznasty and the Barry Manilows.

Without anymore waiting, I’m putting you on blast Donald Trump and Ayn Rand! Y’all can’t hide from me, sacred she witch of sexual temptations, Eugene Levy. Let’s read these nasty bitches talking sex.

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Romance 💒

AR: Have you ever felt the longing for someone you could admire? For something, not to look down at, but up to?

DT: [On women] “You have to treat ’em like shit.

AR: What is man? He’s just a collection of chemicals with delusions of grandeur.

DT: …she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.

AR: Patience is always rewarded and romance is always round the corner!

DT: I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.

"That's so hot, I need a Bacon and egg breakfast roll!" - Eugene Levy, so sexy I'm probably your real dad.

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Philosophy ⚖️

AR: Men who reject the responsibility of thought and reason can only exist as parasites on the thinking of others.

DT: Somebody said I’m the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters.

AR: Within the extent of your knowledge, you are right.

DT: It’s always good to be underestimated.

AR: We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality.

"We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality." - Ayn Rand, bitch.

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Sex 🍆

DT: I know more about the clit than the generals do. Believe me.

AR: Every morning, I have a lingonberry streusel for breakfast, made by socialist leeches looking for handouts and living wages, and a big, black, cock.

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Oh damn grrrrlfrenz! Nuh-uh! I hope Ayn Rand ain’t putting out no cave time at the sex shack. She can do better than that. Let me tell all you in Levytown, that me, famous actor and owner of Toronto’s largest chain of DIY chop-shops and star in over 70 celebrity sex tapes with Ariana huffington and Don Rickles, Eugene Levy, spreading my dick-stink on your crink-crink, hope she dumps his ol raggedy ass. My phone’s waiting for you nasty sex queen, Ayn Rand.

Call me before I get bored.

Too late. I’m bored!

That’s me, Eugene Levy. Time to get my fuck on.