Respect for peers in the workplace is a tenet of today’s workplace ethics. Decades of sexual abuse, harassment, and sex politics in the work place have opened men’s eyes to the need to be civil, respectful, gentle, and caring. Which leads many men to ask…

How can I, respectfully, show my Baloney Pony to my co-workers?

Darrel Phatone Jurgenson, last Tuesday

To answer this age old dilemma, today’s businesses are frantically working to redesign, and repackage that package that won’t take a hint. That’s right, advertising firms, PR firms, and condom companies are all rubbing their thoughts together, trying to neutralize man’s inability to keep “it,” in his own pants. And according to today’s expert heads, it starts with safety.

An uncovered, completely exposed Bone Ranger is a definite no-no gents. So, put away those cameras and that selfie stick. It’s time to modernize your junk show with today’s offerings. Wrap it up, with some pizzazz! Be gentle, daring, concerned, yet with a dashing twist of a devil may care attitude! Today we’ll be reviewing three new products that can help men – who are genetically protected from evolving into post-neanderthal social creatures – tactfully display their squizzle pizizzles in a more work place friendly manner.

Twelve Dimensional Schlongoscopic Devices!

That’s the latest in precision knob measuring from Rubber force.

First up!… RubberForce, long the highest quality maker of penile prophylactics, introduces a new line of tuxedo condoms, the All Blacks. They make any man’s Dick Johnson look classy. Going to The Met Gala? Hosting a charity ball for undersexed interns, or auctions of ancient Egyptian man-on-hippo pornography showcasing modern dance interpretations of selected scenes from the most explicit potsherds? Fear not! The All Blacks line of condoms will cover any man’s Magic Fuck Stick with the sharpest of men’s fashions. Head out with confidence, and propel your flashy flesh hunter onto the covers of GQ and W. Suits are custom tailored to each man’s Dingus McPingus, with precise measurements taken from patented, twelve dimensional schlongoscopic devices. When science meets bullshit, you and your Dick Tracy will be wearing matching tuxedos and if you don’t get that pussy by tomorrow, you’ll get your money back.

This company’s anti-boner hydraulics could save you from unintended embarrassment!

These condoms are tight! Did you know that Nintendo started out as a maker of playing cards, or that Quaker Oats originally invented crack cocaine in an accidentally accident back in 1537, or that the Temple of Scientolology is a… fuck, I can’t even with them. Neither did we!!! After a secret pact written in goat’s blood, the three companies are announcing a joint venture in the condom market, starting with their line of eToight condoms (pronounced: e•toy’t condoms). This electronic condom takes an entirely different approach to public displays of raging bonerdom. The purpose of this condom is to regulate unwanted public stiffies. Why don’t know why they want to do this though. We’ve been proudly displaying our Proud Pussy Pounders around the office since Covid-19 forced everyone to work from home. But just in case you want to hide your Long John, Mighty Mick, Robust Rex, Stout Stan, Solid Sam, Huge Heffner, or Dick Trickle, the eToight, will activate anti-boner hydraulics that literally push the blood back into your brain. Your real brain, not your dick brain. The condom works by applying pressures in excess of 400 psi to stuff your Turgid Widowmaker back into your britches. You fucking perv. How’s it work? Simple! When your King and Castles start waking up because Yolanda wore that fly-ass mini skirt to the Zoom meeting, again, simply unzip your pants, pull out your Cock-cock-cock, sensuously apply the eToight condom, and point your industrial heat gun at the condom. Once temperatures reach about 200°, the shrink wrap effect kicks in. In no time at all your Fatty McPherson will be forced back into your pelvis, where the hot plastic will melt permanently to your skin, keeping you from ever having another embarrassing boner at work, at the gym, around dad, the plumber, aunt Beth, or Chris Hemsworth. Did we say anti-boner hydraulics? We don’t make science things. We make words for make dumb-dumbs understand science things!

Martha Stewart condoms?!

She a bad bitch!

Next, Martha Stewart announces her new line of sexy spanx for your Jolly Roger, the Home Comforts Condom. Imagine your spicy mantalian sausage swathed in the calming shades of Winter Sage, Lavender Love, or Silk Orchards. The soft palettes are meant to inspire the true home decorator to explore the entire home as your personal playground-and if your man is one of those never ending projects now you can micro manage his thrust rod with swatches of non-threatening platitudes turned color.

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A look at the numbers

• Only 3% of Karens found this amusing, but over 98% told Chad (our photographer intern with two years left on his theory of French cinema degree) to bring a magnum of Rosé and a pack of RubberForce All Blacks to their hotel rooms later tonight
• An overwhelming 78% of office workers (91% female, 72% non-binary, 56% male) chose the Summer Lavender paisley print as the most welcome condom in the work place.
• 100% of our Chad-named photography interns, will wake up tomorrow with a hangover and no memories of the prior 9 hours
• 84% responded positively to the accidentally exposed office todger-wiggle if wearing a condom with messages of female empowerment. “Girl Power,” “Queen Life,” “Rosé all day,” “I stand with her”, “This Girl’s on Fire”, “I support Title IX and women’s suffrage. The masculine ubiquitous hegemony must come to an end so that women can finally rule the world and let men get back to doing what they do best, masturbate while farting.”
• 96% believed that wrapping a hairy canary, during the occasional office visit, in soothing pastels significantly reduced the masculine threat to a level comparable with pumpkin-spiced throw pillows.
• 73% of Chad will need four years of therapy after tonight’s Karens encounters.