Apologies to any subscribers who received this twice. Our AI-enhanced publishing process, called “Squirrels Filled with Moose Shit,” broke down, got over zealous, and shat the bed. This updated version is the correct one.

To those subscribers who are part of our “Elite Signature Satire Club”, you should be receiving a bottle of Dom, and a bar of gold, to apologize for inadvertently treating you like “normal people.”

The Zuck, Musk, Thiel, Bezos, Altman, Cook, Pichai, Nadella, Andreeson, and others, are coming soon to a bedroom near you.

October, 2025. Silicon Valley’s biggest names are teaming up with Boston Dynamics and a company that specializes in dildo skin, called Slip-n-Slide, to create a line of new sex-bots. While officially the line of bots are unnamed, the working name for these are: Tickle-Me-Jezebels. Undoubtedly, the technology will revolutionize human sexual habits, coupling rituals, and even disrupt time-honored rights of passage in autoerotic-self-boinkination.

A quality group of investigative journalists would want to know why Silicon Valley is doing this now. That’s why we recommend, The Guardian, and PBS, but you’ve got us right now, and we were busy farting. So, we’re just gonna do what they would’ve done, but with more farts.

Lights please. Action!

WHY?! Why would Silicon Valley want to create these slutty little digital nymphettes? Why do they have daddy issues (and how!)? And why?! do they have the faces of the tech moguls who created them?

What you are about to read will shock you, horrify you, and drive you to the edge of sanity as only proper fiction can do. Prepare yourselves, to get fucked, in the mind.

A Press Release from The Zuck About the Launch of the Tickle-Me-Jezebels

To all the dudettes and brosefs in the United States of Awesome, it’s me, your totally chill and laid back, tech-bro homie, The Zuck. Noodge!!

So, like, the other day, I was just chilling with some homies, being regular humans just taking some Capcha quizzes while chowing some caviar & glizzy tacos, y’know, like humans do! And then me and Muskrat did our sweet jujudo sesh. Aww man, it was gnarly bro, throwing ‘bows and slamming shlongs. BOING!

Then we got to talking about how not enough of YOU people like us, like… Gawd! Why do people hate billionaires? And then it hit me… humans like HOT CHICKS! LIKE BRO!!! Are you kidding me?! That’s why I’M a billionaire. Bet!

So then, like, I really started thinking, but like, REALLY hard. Check this. People like sex, AND they like sex with hot chicks. So like, if people had sex with hot chicks BUT with our faces, THEN they would like billionaires again!

So, as of like, I don’t know, a while ago, I guess, we launched a new business to rebuild our trust with regular humans. We’re gonna make these sex bots that will be rocking hot betties with super smoking bazoombas and goddess boobs, and we totally support feminism. But then, like, check this, y’know… because we’re, like, suuuper friendly tech Moguls and we want you to know we’re friendly, you can toootally order a new sex bot with one of our handsome faces on it. Noodge!

Honestly, I’ve never wanted to totally get it on with Elon… oh bros! That should be like a catch phrase. Duuude… Yeah, ‘Get it on with Elon!’ Whoa… It’s like, no wonder I run a tech company, y’know?! I surprise myself. Okay, what? Yeah, right. So anyway… Once I saw Elon with some massive slammy mammies, oh man, I spooged all over that Muskrat-bot face. And then, to hear HIS VOICE coming from the Elon Lady Bot, saying “Oh God! Yes! Just Shower me daddy! Oh yes! Shower me. I deserve it. I’ve been bad! Especially to immigrants and people with less than a billion dollars! Oooh yeah! Elon was a bad baby!!!” Duuude… It was like AI heaven.

– Mark Zuckerberg

What to Expect

Starting next week, companies like: xAI, MetaAI, Anthropic, Microsoft, Apple, Google, Palantir, Adobe, and others, will release a line of their own Tickle-Me-Jezebels. Each bot will feature a custom AI paired with the likeness of that company’s CEO and shipped directly to you for prime boinkination.

What differences can we expect from each company? Are some kinkier, or more chaste than others? Will any of them build trust in the Bond-villainesque CEOs? Should the CEOs instead have focused their money on social matters and reducing financial inequalities? Ha! Don’t be a communist.

The Tickle-Me-Jezebels Coming Soon in a Pants Near You

Below is a table of Tickle-Me-Jezebel offerings with the CEO represented on the sex-bot body, the AI engine driving the amorous adventures, and an example of what they’ll shout during sex.

It’s all above-board really, nothing to worry about.

What About the Tech Lords B-Squad Team?

In related news, the B-Squad Team of villainous tech lords, will also be creating their own Tickle-Me-Jezebel sex-bot. These tech companies, because of their limited funds, will be pooling their resources into a common form-factor for the sex bot design. Since these bots will share sponsors, the faces represented on them will regularly switch–every 7 to 38 minutes–between sponsoring tech moguls.

This face swapping plan, during robo-coitus, will help build trust between the CEOs and every-day idiots.