Promotional consideration paid for by a highly satirical group of anonymous citizens, that are definitely NOT us, to support the beautiful love that can develop between one (or more) person(s) that love Wendy’s more than life.

Today, the home of the Baconator, Frosty, and the Spicy Chicken Sandwich announces a seismic shift striking at the intersection of romance and beef-sprinkled technology. A few insiders predicted this announcement, even going as far back as Nostradamus who, having predicted the rise of bacon in human affairs, made easy work of predicting the vaunted Baconator (a burger with so much bacon, it had a son, The Son of Baconator… but it ALSO has bacon) and its place in Valhalla.

Having tackled and calculated the mathematics and mechanical-flavor engineering of adding bacon to a burger, Wendy’s is now setting its sights on, you guessed it, Love (and we’re not talking about “lovingly oiled velvety egresses” anymore).

Somewhere in this crazy world are people who love, and also people who love bacon, with cheese, on a burger, or a deliciously spicy and tender chicken sandwich with ample chicken and sandwich in one sandwich. But, do these groups overlap? Is it possible that people who love salad with little bits of mandarin orange also want to love, other people? Here’s what the CEO of Wendy’s, Wendy H. Amburger, says to that…

“People That Love Wendy’s Also Love Life, and Each Other”

Hi, I’m Wendy H. Amburger. Don’t tell anyone, but the “H” stands for “Hamburger!” Lol… We do have fun here at Wendy’s, this company I’ve built for probably, like, over fifteen years, I think? Whatever! Who cares about facts when you can dive into a cheesy, triple stack with just enough bacon to choke a horse? “Choke a horse?!” Who comes up with these things? We do! That’s who, and then we put it between two warm buns and shove it straight down your throat like your favorite dommy-mommy. Who doesn’t want a sultry redhead in their life telling them what to do, or landing devastating quips about errant bullshit on social media?

And that’s why we’re ready to pursue this new venture. Together, we can bring love to everyone out there who counts calories by the Baconators, or sets treadmill timers according to their intake of Spicy Chicken Nuggs Party Packs. Love isn’t just for those upper-crust fucks that eat that flavored whale-splooge called “aioli.” If you eat mayonnaise, you too deserve love. If you eat Wendy’s chili instead of showing up for your court date, you too deserve love.

Let’s find that love together on our new dating app… The Bacon-Mater!!

And now, our company’s mantra and vision statement…

In Bacon We Trust.

A Preview of the App

For the first time, and exclusive to The Vidalia News Recorder, is a sneak peek at the app interface and just a taste of the profile questions. And let me tell you, we are tickled, just tickled by hot, salty bacon to see this app in action.

I really think I’ll find true love on this app, or at least a really kinky escort.

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Below are a series of profile questions that will help you find your best life and best soulmate.

Bacon-Mater Profile Questions

1. How would you describe your personality?
   • I’m totally, definitely cheesy
   • Sometimes, I feel like I’m nothing more than seasoned strips of pork made for other people’s pleasure
   • I’m like a large serving of chopped vegetables sprinkled with les bonnes bouchées of wisdom, laughter, and tiny bits of mandarin orange
   • I’m beefy, y’know? But also, like, totally square
2. How did your last relationship end?
   • I was cut into strips, and my heart was salted
   • My ex left me fried
   • My cat’s up and soured
   • My ex wanted us to experiment with another Patty, and I liked it… too much
3. F-M-K?
   • Frosty
   • Baconator
   • Son of Baconator
4. What’s your love language?
   • Licking. My tongue can gently dominate a Frosty in one sitting
   • Chewing. Romance may come in many sizes but I prefer mine in small, medium, or large, just out of the fryer, and very salty
   • Eating. The Romans said it best, “Being able to go down on a beefy burger, for hours at a time, is life’s greatest pleasure… as long as we’re not talking about sex because that’s A LOT better.”
   • Slurping. Whether it’s a zesty chili with a nice kick to accent a cheeseburger, or a chilled soda to cool the addicting sting from a spicy chicken sandwich, I love slurping those cals.
5. What does a meaningful relationship look like to you?
   • It’s when we can merge our individual patties together and make a better bun-roofed home, forever
   • It’s when I can call out “UMAMI“and she yells back “Oh yeah baby! I’m your mami!” that I’ll know it’s meant to be
   • When I can cover my partner with a savory spiciness on top of their single-serving of white, or dark, meat and wrap ourselves in warming buns
   • It’s the synergy of merging my 4 piece combo and their 4 piece combo and raising our Nuggs Party Pack together
6. What is your Wendyagram type?
   • The Burger Chief
   • The Fry Scientist
   • The Patty Stacker
   • The Spice Wizard
   • The Salad Tosser
   • The Chicken Breast Masseuse
   • The Chili Dunker
   • The Nuggie Smuggler
   • The Frosty Whisperer
   • The Line Sargent of Baconator Battalion
7. When I’m feeling saucy, I feel like…
   • A smokey tartness, honeyed with tangy and sweet zestiness
   • the OG, a dash of this, some of that, signed with the peppered signature of savory flavor
   • I’m so scorching hot that ain’t no one can handle this but my bae. Love you boo!!
   • a smooth, dab of mother’s milk, churned into a quenching spirit to calm a spicy moment… but on a ranch
8. How do you handle conflict in a relationship?
   • I extend one strip of bacon like a bridge, and if they use their fingers to walk across that tiny bacon-bridge to me then I know we’re going to be okay. If not, I blow up their car
   • To make discussing emotions safe for all parties, I assign Wendy’s sauces to particular emotions and ask that we all talk about how we feel in terms of Wendy’s sauce mixtures. Example emotion-sauces are below. If this fails, I blow up their bank
     • Sadness: Creamy Ranch + Sweet Chili
     • Confusion: Wendy’s Signature + Honey BBQ
     • Anger: Scorchin’ Hot
     • Lust: Sweet Chili + Honey BBQ
   • I place two wrapped sandwiches in front of my partner, but there’s no labeling on the wrapper. If they choose the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken sandwich then we’re having sex right there. If they choose the Wendy’s Baconator, we’re getting married. If they choose the Big Mac then I’m blowing up the home they grew up in
   • We share a burger like those animated dogs with spaghetti in that movie about the illegal trade in dog fur. If we drop the burger I’m stealing the Declaration of Independence, and blowing up the system
9. What’s your ideal weekend?
   • Waking up with my partner in bed with me, opening the nightstand to start my day off right by getting a Big Bacon Classic Triple for me and one for my lover. Then we watch the Pippy Longstocking marathon all day on TBS
   • My lover pours their favorite dipping sauce in my mouth, then they dip their fries in my mouth while we watch a documentary on the mating habits of restaurant mascots. I like to switch things up sometimes and use Wendy’s chili instead of a sauce
   • Building anatomically correct xenomorphs with the pieces of a family sized order of Son of Baconators (feeds 16)
10. If your life were a rom-com what would yours be called?
    • Here’s the Beef!
    • The Butcher, His Wife, and The Son of Baconator
    • Frosty Nights, Jungle Summers
    • Tenders are the Heart
    • Dave’s Triple Wedding
    • Spicy 10 Piece Love Nuggets