Having Skirted Women’s Issues, Science Vows to Handle More Boobies

Tucked Away In a Hidden Building, Science?

Three towns down from the empty, Texas plains is a kind of restricted zone, a quieting zone among a sprawling business park that radiates an invisible oppressive aura of “we’re not here, so stop coming round.” By this odd description, this journalist means to say that where there should’ve been a great bustle of hustle is instead a great lack of movement, either by human or machine. Large, building-sized boxes, huddle next to each other, seemingly whispering to each other about how to keep humans out. There are few cars parked between the warehouse, or office spaces. But there’s one building of interest today, the science manufacturing facilities for the Southern lands of the US and Lower Temecula, from Metarie on up to the pan and west to the Jackson gulch. This facility produces enough science to start World War III, every hour for the next 30 minutes. This building stands out, even if accidentally and only slightly, given away by subtle hints: it’s coat of screaming-florescent cyan paint, and a large sparkling sign that belies its purpose.

Within the building, a near miracle of scientific philosophy is within reach of a fundamental breakthrough. Researchers, on behalf of Science, are playing catch-up for Science’s historic inability to adequately address women’s issues in a way adequate to a group of women finding inadequacy of thought and conversation. The penance for its failure to address women’s issues is to get more familiar with women. Without further instruction from women, Science is addressing the issue in a fashion only it knows how, by creating a conveyor belt upon which stand women without tops, breasts out, ready to be analyzed for issues important to women by researchers at various testing stations around the track. The stations measure different qualities of womanhood and women’s issues by studying characteristics of their breasts, characteristics like:

Boobness
Arousal quotient
Titty factor
Yum-yum, honk-honk

Below is a conversation between the researchers as they study boobs in the pursuit of understanding women.

Watch as Science Happens

R1: Hmmm, yes. I feel it now. This one is quite round?

R2: Dadgum, that’s a nice pair right there.

R1: Quite so!

R2: Yeah man, Big Red likey… Y’know,I been thinking something?

R1: Pray tell, my good man, what could possibly be on your mind other than ogling and motorboating yet another fine pair of bazoomba-yum-yums?

R2: Yer right, yer right. It’s just sometimes, as scientists, it’s like we miss the details. Ya know? Like, we’s just going for the easy causations, the low hanging fruit, azzit’wer.

R1: Well, that’s a good point. This pair here is very low hanging.

R2: No man, listen up. It’s like, women’s issues man. We gotta… Oh wait, oooh yeah, those are round ain’t they? Wait! No, I was saying that maybe we need to focus on women’s issues more, y’know? Like, what if women were more than just boobs and organs to support boobs? Weird right?

R1: Do you mean that we should be listening to women when they speak about their concerns?

R2: Well, I mean, yeah man. I’m startin’ta think that maybe that might just be a good idea. Y’know?

R1: Hogwash! Now, where’s my scone? I need calories when I entertain balderdash.

R2: Think about it man… Why do women even have brains? What if women used their brains AND sweet, sweet, boobies?

R1: But consider this, my errant colleague, what would happen to men if women were allowed to use their boobies AND their brains, at the same time?!? We’d be positively outmatched!

R2: I dunno nothin’ bout being o’ermatched man. Im’a thinking there’s more to this and we need to get to the point of the issues.

R1: You’re quite right there, ol’ chap. These lovely specimens do have two excellent points to make. I’ll tell you what, no one would believe doing Science would be so titillating.

R2: Be so titty-what-now?

R1: “Titillating,” my good man. The word is titillating. I think it means to be excited…

R2: By tiddies? Yeah, that makes sense. I like tiddies, a lot. Boobies sure are nice. I like them when I can look at ’em, and honk ’em. It sure is tiddylayting. I like honkin’. Honk honk!

R1: Quite so.

R2: But listen now, while yer feeling all these tiddies, don’t you ever get’ta thinking ’bout how there are so many different bazoomba shapes, and like there’s all beautiful, but that, well, maybe it’s like a message about the complexities of all the different challenges women face?

R1: Hmmm… I don’t think so. To be honest, I’m quite enjoying my stiffy that’s come from this sheer amount of mammary manipulation. It’s high noon in my pants tent, to be sure!

R2: Oh no no, don’t git me wrong or nuthin. Shoot I could spend all day at this job. This is almost a religious experience, y’know?

R1: Indubitably my good man. In fact, I think I can see a second coming.

R2: You got me! I thought I was being quiet, y’know? But seriously though, I gotta finish this thought… Uh Oh! New tiddies coming down the line! New tiddies! Yahoo!!! Boy howdy they’s looking real cute too! Garsh, I just love tiddies!!

R1: Huzzah for more bosom! Why at this rate, I could skirt women’s issues all day if truly be this my punishment… Good heavens man, stop dancing about. You look like you have to pee.

R2: Oh yer right, but I just gets so excited when I see big ole boobies. Alright, I’ll sit down.. And, I’ll keep my hands ABOVE the research desk.

R1: That’s a good chap

R2: Yeah okay… But you gotta listen now. You ever sit in this high-falutin booby lab, with all these scopes and transmitters and doohickeys that make bloop noises and thingamabobs with flashy lights and wonder if we ain’t pose’ta be learnin somethin about our role in the degradation of women in society? Like, what if we can’t motorboat our way outta this problem?

R1: We’re feeling and holding the greatest invention in the universe. What more is there to learn!? I guess we could be learning that even after a few years boobies are STILL amazing, still the greatest things ever in the history of ever, since before the time when worlds were carried on the backs of giant turtles?

R2: Tarnation!! Listen now! I reckon this is important. Imagine if each pair of tiddies represents just one woman and now takin’ into account what we’ve seen about the variety of boobs. What if, and just hear me out now…

R1: Good God man! Are you saying what I think you’re saying?!

R2: I, I don’t know since you didn’t lemme finish. But Manchester ain’t played yet.

R1: True, true. Carry on.

R2: I’m just saying, if each pair of super-jumbly boobies is different, what if each woman is different, but like maybe even a different type of woman? Like, maybe they’re not all swimsuit cheerleaders, man!

R1: Are you suggesting that because each pair of God’s amazing bosoms–that He placed on this Earth for the enjoyment of everyone with eyes–is different in boobness, titty factor, and arousal quotients that therefore not all women are exactly the same?!

R2: Well, yeah…

R1: And furthermore that the very simplistic issues of women’s health, bodies, and minds, are in fact not so simple? And because there are many different types of women that therefore there are many different solutions and challenges when caring for women?

R2: I mean, you said it better than me, but yeah…

R1: And once we realize this then we, researchers at Science, will finally have stopped skirting women’s issues?! That’s a Queen’s rout of the existential canopy if ever I’ve heard of!

R2: Dal’gurn man. You sure make pretty words. But yeah… I think we finally did it! We solved women…

R1: … And what if we did??? We would NOT be forced to feel these boobs all day, every day? Is that what you want, because THAT’S what your enlightenment gets you!

R2: Ummm… Huh. I didn’t think about it like that.

R1: I should think not my good fellow. Heavens, can you imagine!!!

R2: I don’t want to imagine. Not ever, never!

R1: Neither do I! So keep quiet and ixnay on the enlightenmentyay.

R2: The whose’a’what now?

R1: Stop talking and just keep feeling boobs!

R2: Can do!

And so the men stayed young of thought, as Peter Pans, symbols of men-children in the oft over-analyzed and grossly reductionist milieu of gender analysis, where guided by the tragedies of attraction and circumstance so that only the youth get to play whereas the adults, too tired from cleaning up messes, have no time to play with boobs.

And thus, youth is wasted on the young.