Effective Date	January 1st, 26,000 BCE
Original Authors	Thag, Oog, & Ronk. Personal Injury Caveman Attorneys
Version	1

Welcome to The Vidalia News Recorder, where privacy is more important than a bag of dead monkeys. We believe that your business is your business and we don’t want to get involved, at all (some of y’all are Nasty!). That’s why we proudly operate under a radical, revolutionary policy: We don’t collect, track, store, or sell any personally identifying information about you. Ever. This policy goes all the way back to our arrival on this backwater planet.

What We Collect

If you subscribe to our newsletter then we collect your email. But honestly, that’s as far as we’re willing to go. Look, we might flirt together online over some sharp and ridiculous satire, but uhh, we don’t want to meet your parents. It’s not you… it’s your parents.

Otherwise? What do we correct?

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. If we don’t collect it, we can’t lose it, sell it, or get hacked for it.

Please note: in the future, we will try–half-heartedly–to harvest your brainwaves to power our murderbots. Please send all brainwaves in a SASE and send to our Secret Lab of Satire and Lackadaisical Evil

What We Track

If you are a subscriber to our newsletter, we track if you are a subscriber. We do know if you open the emails we send, but honestly we really check. We don’t have any names for the subscriber info. We don’t sell our list of over five people. We don’t track gender, or your number of crypto-mistresses.

If you aren’t a subscriber then we track nothing. Nothing! Absolutely Nothing!

Other things we do not track, regardless of subscriber status:

• Whether you binge cereal straight from the box
• lurk Reddit at ungodly hours
• maintain a primo spank bank of spicy naughties

We simply don’t care. And we don’t want to know… you dirty freak!

Third-Party Services

We don’t knowingly use third-party tracking tools either. If, for some reason, any cookies find their way onto our site, it’s probably accidental, like when you forget birth control and were terrified for a whole week.

Changes to This Policy

We don’t anticipate needing to update this policy since our approach to privacy is steadfast, but if we do, rest assured: we still won’t be collecting anything from your broke ass.

Contact Us

Since we don’t gather personal details, we also don’t have a fancy contact form asking for your name, email, or childhood pet. If you need to reach us, well… good luck.

Your privacy is safe with us—because we wouldn’t know how to compromise it even if we tried.

The Vidalia News Recorder

Satiricus News-Journalix. Democracy Does in Money and Monkey-Semen