We Locked Eyes on the Subway
I was wearing a low cut, cute two piece mini with feathered sling backs, and a fetch clutch. You were wearing an old brown trench coat, white socks, birkenstocks, and nothing else. Our eyes met, and I thought you really saw through me as you exposed your buttery soft penis to the whole subway car. My spiritual advisor said I’d meet a man who opened up to me and that we’d get married within the year.

Tickle Fight
Dear cute woman walking in the haunted forest around 9p, last Tuesday. Why did you run away from me? I thought we were going to have a tickle fight! My chainsaw wasn’t going to hurt you. He likes cuddles too! Let’s try again this Friday, in the cemetery.
You’re a virgin, right?

Provençal Sheekonnes avec toasted grains confit
Chicken on toast
$12.50

Almond Butter
I’ve gotta sell this almond butter. I’ve got 14 gallons of it.
$25.50

Peanut Butter
Anyone who buys the almond butter is a dead man. There’s no room in this town for shitty, wanna-be nut butters, like fucking almond butter. Seriously, GTFO almond butter
$26.00

Cashew Butter
Try the best nut butter since Peanut Butt… <stabby stabby>… Uuuuggghghhhhh….. gasp… death rattle.
$28.00

Côte de Boeuf
It’s a fucking steak with calorie sauce.
$31.00

Almond Butter
Did you just fucking kill Cashew Butter?
$26.50

Peanut Butter
Don’t know what you’re talking about. And neither do you, if you know what’s good for you.
$22.00

Let’s Work Together
You: a plucky young grad from a good school, or an MBA from the school of Hard Knocks. Willing to do anything and anyone to promote corporate capitalism at the remaining liberal federal judges. Do you like peanut butter? Don’t you think astronauts on Mars need it, desperately?
Us: the 14th largest trade organization in mid-market economies for the Southern region of East-Canadian Provinces
$120000.00

Want to learn about corruption?
Come study with us? Public Corruption — FBI
$13.00

Want to learn even more about corruption?
We know everything about you comrade and have everything you’ll need to crack into the ever expanding marketplace of federal, national, global corruption. We pay in blackmail!
$12.00 – you pay us

Local Judges for Sale
Got caught with a hooker, or ten? Are you the pastor at a mega church? Those hookers were men? And shipped in from Whereverstan? Not a problem! Call now.
1-900-WHO-SAYS-POLITICAL DONATIONS-ARE-BRIBERY

Wait what? You’re a person of color?! You want to be treated equally? Huh, we never thought of that. Our thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Angel Tart
Not just a recipe anymore. Angel Tart was the eager secretary who worked for you up until that “staffing reassignment.” Y’know, the one introduced to you by your political backers, funding the NRA? Well, she’s got a book to write. And you’d never guess who it’s about. Okay. You guessed. For the right price, maybe she’ll write about your political opponent instead. For double the price she’ll bring her sister, Lemon Tart.

Librarian Needed
Madison St Library to hire two, full-time, librarian positions. Must not have criminal record, nor aspire to have criminal record in the future. Must have four year degree. and no masturbating in the romance section.
$28.00