Hey America, it’s me, Mr. Monopoly J. Business (my totally cool website about business). How was your Easter? Did you enjoy the candies? That’s wonderful! I don’t care, but I’m happy YOU enjoyed yourself. So listen, we need to talk. Are you sitting down?

Look, we’ve been crunching the numbers for a while and something’s not adding up, and we’ve got a bone to pick with you, America. For years, hell, decades even, you’ve been taking advantage of me, of us, the businesses that support your life. Yeah, I said it. Finally, I’ve had the courage to say it out loud. Thank you Ayn Rand for giving me the courage to see that companies and executives were being mistreated by the people we’ve been exploiting. Blessed be your name.

You, America, expect too much, and give too little. American businesses are tired of it.

Do you know how much it costs to:

• pay CEOs
• hide dangerous product defects
• pay the lawyers to litigate the cases that you somehow have time to bring forward
• and eventually to pay the hitmen (and hitwomen, of course) who will add your ears to their Necklaces Of Death and kill you in front of your families before you can testify?

It costs, A LOT! And if we’re being honest here, like totally honest, we’re upset that you would gatekeep and gaslight us into the reactive abuse that forces us to murder you in front of your toddlers in the first place. Think of your children. Do you WANT us to murder them too? Because right now, you’re kind of asking for it, don’t you think?

Look at what your t-shirts say, for crying out loud?! “Free Universal Healthcare?!?” “Free Luigi!?” “Equal Pay for Equal Work?!” and the worst… “Clean Air & Water.” I just… ugh. You see it, now, right?

But look, let’s put all that aside. Let’s not think about Flavio, menacingly standing right behind you, with your coffee and a straight edge so close to your throat he could shave you just as quick as kill you.

Don’t look! Jeez! We just said NOT to look! Flavio does NOT like to be surprised. He has itchy stabby fingers. You didn’t know, so I won’t hold it against you, but he’s been involved in more geriatric abortions than heart disease and the Florida heat, combined.

So look, here’s what we did, and I’m pretty excited about this. It’s definitely a compromise, so don’t go thinking we’re in favor of everything we’re proposing. We reviewed the T’s & C’s… oh, sorry. Since we defunded reading programs we forgot you’re all complete idiots now. Okay, I’ll rephrase.

Me company, yeah? Make things. You use things. Tiny letters let business change anything, any time. You sign screen. Let business take money for fun.

Great! Yeah, those are what we call T’s & C’s, or Terms and Conditions. It’s all legal if you don’t challenge it in court.

So, are you ready for it? We think we’ll really like this. Bob, in R&D, was brainstorming this one for years. Years! He’s definitely getting a gold-plated watch for this one.

We decided–after crunching the numbers and thinking about what we want to think is best for you–anytime you order from American businesses that what you will receive will be a beautiful, American made, honest to god, piece of shit.

Yup! Awesome, right? Imagine getting a true piece of Americana delivered to your home or place of business. And we have different varieties too! We’ve got: cow patties, pasture pies, bullshit (literally!!!), butt nuggets, fertilizer au naturale, cow dung, meadow muffin, cowpat, cowchip, cow flop, butt boogers, prairie smear, and so many others!

You’ll be able to burn this in your stoves, build small huts (avoid rainy seasons), and generally be able to lift yourselves up by your bootstraps.

Don’t go thinking this works in our favor either! Don’t you dare!! Oh, no. This is not what we wanted either. Hell, if it were up to us we would finally release the face-punching robots. They would punch you in the face until you give them your money. And for people that need more persuasion we would then release the dick-kicker, and cunt-punter, robots. The funny thing about those robots is they don’t care who they kick! If you have a dick, is it worse to get kicked in the dick, or the place where a cunt might be, perchance?

No one knows! Hahaha… and that’s why we value science.

You might be wondering what will happen to things you buy that AREN’T delivered to you. Well that’s easy, and we’re happy you asked. By researching local regulations and the often overlooked needs of CEOs, we found a solution that values both, our core business practices, and our unchecked need for your money. That’s why Bob created the first ever charity fundraiser for techbro CEOs.

Fucking Bob from R&D. Man!!! What a Legend.

No more questions? Great!

Here’s how it works…

• First, you go to our new website: Business Shit!
• Find what you need.
• Purchase your goods.
• In 2 to 180 days you’ll receive the hearth-crafted excrement duplicated items, delivered to our lockers in your neighborhood
• Your originally purchased items will be produced and then lovingly sent to a local, organic, free-range, woke landfill.
• Claiming your poo delivery will incur an additional fee
• Delivery includes an unrestocking fee
• Not claiming your doody will incur a restocking fee
• There’s an additional convenience fee to make this convenient for us
• Exchanges for real items are not possible at this time

Examples of Deliverables…

• Did you order a streaming video?
  • You get bullshit in the shape of the spirit, the quintessential essence, of the video
• Did you order an audiobook?
  • Get a pile of shit shaped like what the audiobook sounds like
• Cereal?
  • Standard cow patty
• Easy Bake Oven?
  • Standard cow patty
• 2 disc-set of the Best of David Hasselhoff, Der Deutchesjähren
  • Double layered cow pie
• A poster of a Portrait of Whistler’s Mother, but in the style of dubstep?
  • A non standard cow patty