Editor's Note: Things just seem to get worse for our Lead Puzzle Editor. She was pulled over for drunk driving tonight, after leaving work. We suspect the officer saw her swerving across the lanes, last night, because she's dead and can't handle cars well. But the officer was being a real butt-face about it and started to arrest her. One of our journalists was there to help her out though. He talked the officer into giving a field sobriety test to our puzzle editor. That went great until she immediately fell over, her face landing in the officer's crotchal region. That seemed to seal the deal, unexpectedly. After a minute of the officer's graceless fumbling. They both fell over in a post-coital nap. Our journalist quickly put her in the car, and they sped off before the cop woke up. 
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I don’t have time for this! The markets are crashing!!