Dear Hipsters,

The countdown clock has officially started. If you want to keep riding the wave of telling everyone you knew about that cool thing before it was popular, you only have 25 years left. Once that time is up, it will be too late. In 2050, the Vidalia News Recorder–being the greatest investigatively satirical news source in the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy and Lower Temecula–will be popular.

Just to be clear, you are running out of time in claiming this hot commodity in your hipster portfolio. You only have until 2050!!

That’s 25 years!

Do you have what it takes to get invested in another fringe publication and start telling your friends about it!? We hope so!

Seriously… we really do.

It’s all down to you, Ethan and Naya Hipster. Plenty of people can put out forest fires, but only you can make this globally treasured resource of shenanigans and nonsense available to your friend circles.

Act now! Time is running out!

25 years might sound like a lot of time, but here are some things you won’t be able to do in that time…

• Even with careful stretching and calisthenics, you won’t be able to make and raise 10 babies to the age of 18… (with the same partner, <wink wink> call us!)
• Start a fresh cigarette habit and die of emphysema
• Eat cereal everyday, for 26 years
• Write the sequel to War & Peace that focuses on sustainability co-op gardens using low-fi tech for nostalgia vibes
• Pass sensible gun control legislation
• Find your soul-mate at an unironically tiny mustache convention, gentrify a 2-story walkup, and maintain a loving relationship with the androgenous third in your thruple
• Take a long walk off a short bridge, twice
• Watch your tits become perky like a feminist erection at a Sylvia Plath wet t-shirt competition
• Become a Vanderbilt or a Rockefeller. Oh sure, you could “marry” into the family but you’ll never actually be one of “Them” “Hipster” is just another word for socialist!
• Discover the Vidalia News Recorder for the first time, twice
• Make clove cigarettes popular

Please, choose wisely.

There’s only 25 years left… before it’s TOO LATE!!!!