If We’re All Made in the Image of God, Why Are Storks the Antichrist?

Editor's Note: Welcome to Part 2 of our investigative satirophistry probing the complex issues around: Man Created in the Image of God. Are we all created in a image of God? Is it only some of us? Are we all just bisexual, gay men? What's really causing global warming? Is it the storks? It's the storks, isn't it?

Sometimes, the only way to know anything is to deduce from incontrovertible evidence those things that must also be true. This is how Neptune was discovered. Scientists, and probably a few nepo-babies, were just chilling in a laboratory doing science. Twas here that someone declared where Neptune would be, and there it was to be found. This is similar to the discovery of Earth. Two early scientists were running from a dinosaur that just wanted its paper to be peer reviewed (the title was, “How to Capture and Eat Peer Review Scientists”). As they ran, the two researchers, Dr. Oog and Dr. Kronk, were chased off a cliff by the dinosaur. Seconds later their bones broke upon the rocks and dirt where they landed, and thereby discovered Earth.

And so we will employ this same rigorous pursuit of truth by wielding the twin blades of Logic and Deduction to stab and hack understanding from axiom (established fact) and theorem (deduced fact).

What Does it Mean to be Created in the Image of God?

Let’s start with the uncontestable facts. These are universal axioms, unquestionable in their veracity, unimpeachable in their dignity, and untouchable in their giggity-giggity.

Axiom 1

We were made in the image of God, no cap

Axiom 2

God is a man. We know this because men can own property and vote

Axiom 3

God is an aura-dishing daddy with equal parts swerve and thunder-abs. His jawline cuts basic bitches and that untamed hair makes the beat drop in our hearts

Based on these foundational principles of uncontested truth, let’s review the first logical theorems from whence may be extracted theorems of the highest quality…

Theorem 4

If 1 & 2 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

…we are all men

Theorem 5

If 3 & 4 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

…we are all gay

Theorem 6

If 4 & 5 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

…we are all gay men just trying to figure out “why all the boobs?”

Diving Deeper

But, let’s take this further because there are deeper truths still yet to uncover.

Axiom 7

We are all someone’s child

Axiom 8

There are more of us today than ever before in history

Axiom 9

Men can’t have babies

Theorem 10

If 6 & 7 & 1 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… babies come from the endless acres of baby farms in heaven, which are right next to the Dr. Pepper rivers and Cool Ranch Doritos plateaus.

Theorem 11

If 8 & 9 & 10 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

…God contracts baby deliveries to the Kingdom of Storks whose lieutenants deliver babies to happy homes

Theorem 12

If 11 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… there exists a secret Kingdom of Storks, a shadowy cabal of super-intelligent, winged descendants of dinosaurs, from a time when dinosaurs and cavemen cohabitated in the caves of Lower Manhattan, or the ancient tar pits of the West Hollywood and Beverly Hills shopping malls. It was then that Storks evolved to fill an important niche in a flawed lifecycle. How could mortal and imperfect clones of God be delivered to a same sex species with a bisexual reproductive system? Storks. If Storks could fly fast enough to deliver the babies before those babies realized this was all quite nonsensical then humanity could continue. And what did Storks get in return? Babies. Storks eat babies. It’s what enables their demonic power of flight.

But now the unraveling truth gets deeper into the knowledge of the arcane. We come to the meat, the kernel of wisdom so deep as to provide succor for the soul of the righteous, and yet woe & loathsome butt-hurt for all souls so lost in mediocrity that their coffee order and pet’s breed is their identity:

Theorem 13

This one is the most self-evident

If 6 & 12 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… We are all bisexual, gay men

Theorem 14

If 13 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… We are all fabulous!

Alas, to Peer Yet More Keenly Down the Rabbit Hole. Sanity Takes it’s Leave Where Logic Treads

While everything above is obviously deduced and derived from logical proofs and flawless mental accountings, what we’ve discovered below yet may tip the scales of logic, from common sense to darkling insanity. Yet for those few brave whose minds are shielded against the trivialities of sanity can here glimpse truths to shake a world and control the gods, for knowledge is power, and knowledge is might, and from the darkness came the Word, the bringer of light.

Read, at your peril. Shenanigans awaits ye, and Shenanigans mark the way…

Theorem 15

If 8, 11, & 12 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… every year more and more Storks take to the skies, alighting on their demonic powers of flight, to deliver babies for the “Holy Baby Industrial Complex”

Axiom 16

Storks generate heat

Axiom 17

Flying converts energy to heat

Theorem 18

If 16 & 17 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… Storks make more heat when they fly than when they don’t

Theorem 19

If 15 & 18 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… storks are causing global warming

Theorem 20

If 19 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… storks are creating the end times

Theorem 21

If 21 = true

etiam stultus videbit ➡️

… storks are the anti-Christ

And now you know what Storks have been hiding all along.

Take this knowledge and tell all the other bisexual, gay men that we must rise up against storks to stop global warming!!!🥓