Editor's Note: Welcome to part 1 of our investigative satirophistry probing the complex issues around: Man Created in the Image of God. Are we all created in the image of God? Is it only some of us? Are there caveats or legal loopholes in christophysiological anthropology? Did God eat carbs on cheat day?

In a surprising realization that is shocking the nation’s girlfriends, it appears that not all men were created in God’s image. First discovered by Hailey John-Jonsson of Peter Falls, MI., Hailey and her boyfriend of 3 months, Seth Brimbsman, experienced an awkward falling-out when Brimbsman began to disrobe for what was to be their first “Bible study sesh.” Being a keen student of the Bible, and the many pictures of a shirtless God in calendars and churchy, ceiling paintings, Hailey was surprised to see that Brimbsman did not match up. Her crudely formed paramour lacked many of God’s finest qualities: the boundless abs, a hairless back, the luxuriously thick, gray beard, the stern yet domineering face, and the thick, glistening scepter of divine rule.

Hailey was appalled. She studies the Bible daily, and especially likes the pictures of a strong, masculine God that made it flood for forty days and forty nights. These thoughts are enough to make Hailey pass out in bed, gasping and sweaty, before she holds her pillow close and falls asleep, praying to God. On Saturday mornings, when there’s no school, Hailey wakes up and prays to Moses for a few hours imagining him splitting the waters and marching all the way into the sea.

With men like this in her life, it should be no surprise that Seth was found to be, lacking. Even before their Bible study, Brimbsman confessed to biting ice cream instead of licking it and to being afraid of swimming.

Needless to say, Hailey John-Jonsson, of Peter Falls, MI., got “the ick.”

Within minutes, and around the world, Hailey was joined in a sisterhood of disappointment as women began realizing that things were amiss in the “Man” department.

The Hot God

Hundreds of miles away, Lisa Bakewell of Houndstooth, UT., discovered (by accident of intentional indiscretion) that her current boyfriend, Brick Hairfoot, prayed to a very different God than did Pablo Blancito–a foreign exchange student from San Antonio, TX. Blakewell and Hairfoot have been “going steady,” according to the St. Harlot’s High School Society of Tea and Hot Goss, since his dad took over the Ford and Chevy dealerships letting Brick drive the newest mid-sized economy sedan to school, murdered out with chrome bumpers and a cherry-bomb tailpipe.

Shit was bangin’ yo.

Love was not to last though, the day Blancito arrived from a foreign country, with his wildly sexual Spanish ways of pronouncing “tortilla,” Lisa was transfixed by the man who could roll his R’s with ease, and who was sophisticated enough to pronounce the “-ya” at the end of “tortilla.” Poor, simpleton Brick just made the word sound more like a “flotilla” of “torts.”

Lisa was quoted as saying…

My boyfriend told me he was created in God’s image but then I met Pablo and now I’m confused. Can I pray to Pablo’s God instead? Oh please? I would pray every day to Pablo, and his God, if I could.

Penis or Windchimes?

Meanwhile in St. George’s-by-the-Bay, KS., Pauline Poundsman (of the West of the Mississippi Poundsmans), was shocked at the full frontal reveal of her boyfriend, Slim Chivvers (of the Hornsby Sound, NE. Chivverses).

I thought I knew what to expect, y’know, because I’d been a devout Christian my whole life. You know me, a preacher’s daughter! Which is why it was a social imperative that I get to boning some godly man steak as soon as possible. There hasn’t been a single, chaste preacher’s daughter in our country since before the Civil War! I’m not about to break tradition. So, I’m sure you can imagine, y’know, I was ready to slut it up for Jesus, blessed be his name.

But when I pulled down Slim’s pants, I almost vomited. I mean, I just really wretched. Do you know what was looking back at me? It was a penis!!! [sic] With one evil eye, just throbbing, with a little top hat, a goatee, a black trident in place of a walking stick, and little spats on the testicles!! They always say the devil will come to you dressed like a gentleman, but I had no idea.

If Slim Chivvers were made in the image of God, why wasn’t his genitalia a set of magically ethereal wind chimes whose twinkling music brought orgasmic and immaculate conceptions?!?

Why a penis?! Why God, why?!? <sobs>

The Other Visions of God

It seems God can take many forms in the Christian stories and with each form arose a fresh disappointment when an unsuspecting, nation’s girlfriend discovered the big lie.

I always knew something was off about Miles Kyles. From the very first date, I just got this sense that he was far too corporeal, like “How come I can distinctly see the outline of your biceps Miles Kyles?” But you know what they say, God works in mysterious ways. Well, let me tell you, there was Nothing mysterious about the salami hiding in his heathen’s pants!

I said, “Miles Kyles, I can touch it!” and he said “Oh yes you can Sarah Blairah!” To which I said right back “Well if you were made in the image of God, how come your penoose isn’t a cool breeze of Frankincense gently wafting in over a sun behind saintly clouds… between your legs? See?! I caught you, wicked man! Get out of my maternity underwear, Right now!!”

So prolific have our imaginings of the different forms of the one true God become that some expectations stretch credulity. From Hedy Lamarr of Kuala Lumpur City, in Ohio, (no relation to Hedy Lamarr, the famous actress who invented frequency hopping)…

Well gosh my giggles and boy howdy!! When my beau done did remove his clothes, I was mad as a hellcat gettin a shave from a beehive, I was!! I shouted right at my boyfriend, Smurt Binglesjoot,”You’re nothing like Alanis Morissette!!” You see, I’m a real big fan of Christian films, especially “Dogma,” that teaches faith in the way of the Lord, and that God is a sexy saint from up on them high clouds. You oughta know.

Final Analysis

Is it possible that our devotion to an image of a perfect being may have soured our collective loins from tendering each other? Which God were we made in the image of? Some of us CLEARLY were not made in the image of deific perfection or even of  New York 5’s. Maybe instead there’s a God of Beige Yugos we were made in the image of? After studying holy scripture, the theists at the Vidalia News Recorder believe that most of us were made in the image of a Funyuns God.