The second Trump presidency continues to shake up the nation today with an announcement from the USDA & FDA, in association with the DHS, CBP, and BOP. RFK Jr, in coordination with Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem plan to announce a new food quality rating called, Soylento Greeno.

At an early release presser, RFK Jr., had this to say:

After careful consideration with my dead brain worm, Stephen Miller, and also with Kristi Noem, the FDA & USDA–in coordination with CBP, BOP, and DHS–created a new rating for food quality. It’s called “Soylento Greeno” and it represents our dedication to Making America Healthy Again. Starting today, every Mexican restaurant in the United States must have its meat meeting, or exceeding, the Soylento Greeno target of 45% immigrant per pound of beef, poultry, or pork. In 2026, all restaurants that serve anything other than mayonnaise, grilled cheese, pickles, cheese curds, boiled hotdogs, and Diet Coke, will begin incorporating Soylento Greeno into their goods as well. This is a highly versatile source of protein and construction ready goo-paste.

After careful testing of Soylento Greeno’s effects on diseases that hurt our nation’s children, we found that Soylento Greeno does not cause autism. The USDA warns that there may be some side effects of Soylento Greeno including cases of polio, diphtheria, measles, malaria, tetanus, AIDS-Ball Cancer (a hybrid chimera of testicular cancer cells that use the AIDS virus to spread the growth of more cancer cells back to the balls and forcing new balls to grow throughout the body), and Jungle Fever (a life-long infection of the libido gland causing sufferers to swerve and sway at the sight of any dark-skinned beauty with an ass that could make Eazy-E buy a house in the suburbs). We feel that Soylento Greeno is a medical improvement because it contains no artificial food colorings, no 5-G brain implants, no ingredient names with like lots of syllables, and can be successfully packaged in spicy and non-spicy offerings in your deli’s meat aisle, or pleather upholstery in mid-market luxury sedans.

We suggest that Mexican breakfast burritos be cooked with spicy Soylento Greeno for times when spicy chorizo futures or supply chains make it difficult to stock locally. Tacos Al Pastor should be made with Grade D Soylento Greeno. Churros are to be made with Grade A Soylento Greeno and lastly cheese quesadillas should not be made with any Soylento Greeno graded higher than Q.

Please remember, Soylento Greeno, is a game changer in our initiative to Make America Healthy Again because the meat is at least 45% immigrant and contains no artificial food colorings. It can also be easily mixed with pure cane sugar when creating sweet meats instead of high fructose corn syrup. Additionally, if mixed with colloidal silver, vitamin C enemas, chlorine with arsenic & old lace, and garlic bulb stews, it can also stop the spread of information to the brain.

A Table of Goods, Foreign Contaminants, and Soylento Greeno Percentages to Measured Safety Hazard Levels

With the creation of the new food rating, the FDA & USDA redefined the various foreign particle allowances and included new Soylento Greeno mixture info:

How it Started

In a darkened room, walls stacked with shelves, burdened with boxes labelled with their contents of: condensed meat sludge, pre-slimed lettuce, pre-lettuced slime, smushed tomatoes, brittle taco shells, diced onion slices, roach sass & frass, rat tails, and a continued litany of foodstuffs that are the cornerstones of every seedy taco stand in the Midwest, met three of the country’s most important political appointees. As a shadowy cabal might meet to discuss Jewish space lasers, seismic weapons, or the latest dark-web fanfic shipping Q with the Hamburgler, so met this collection of bureaucratic juggernauts. Three of them huddled, each slowly sipping their cognacs or Zimas from crystal snifters with twirly-whirly straws. For hours they’d been taking bets on who could write the better Trump-themed tweet, something bold, with bravado and quizzical saber-rattling, but with just enough danse idiote to sell the authenticity. In between their attempts to craft the finest tweet, they managed to throw a few chunks of outdated MRE meat into the immigrant fighting pits beneath the grates on which they all stood. Then it happened.

While watching an epic fail compilation video of children getting smacked with 5G paddles, Noem opined aloud, “Hey y’all… what’s the word for, like, the meat version of particle board, but in Mexican talk?”

RFK Jr. replied with a voice akin to that moment when you watch VHF static until 4a hoping to see 10 seconds of porn but only end up with tired eyes and broken dreams: “Oh I got it, it’s El Soylento Greeno!”

To which Miller replied, “That’s too long, let’s just call it Soylento. Ha-ha-ha-ha”. An interesting thing about his laugh here is that he pronounced each “ha” independently and flatly, much like a wrongfully accused cannibal might ask about fava beans.

“Hahaha. Stephen Miller, you vapid, pasty-faced chupacabra, your Mexican talking is moowee excellentay!”, said Noem.

“Oh no Kristi Noem! I’ve never seen anyone who could understand Elsplaniol better than they could kill dogs, if they were already really good at killing dogs. You’re the best at that you well-painted, desiccated hag!”, retorted Miller.

And then Noem and Miller laughed and laughed and laughed, opened the box of “Roach Sass & Frass,” and began eating handfuls. But RFK Jr. yearned for more, for something ineffably understandable. He wanted better food, yet more elite and patriotic, something that he could make that would change America… something heinously edible to match his voice but with a South-of-the-Border kick to it. And so, Soylento Greeno was born.

Months later, and at the time of this article’s publication, Soylento Greeno processing centers are being constructed next to all major ICE detention facilities and border walls, with expansions planned to the existing protein harvesting facilities near local retirement homes and kennels.

Once foodstuffs made with Soylento Greeno hit the stores, companies will support the new food preparation type in addition to the current food prep styles of: Halal, Vegan, Honky, Vegetarian, Kosher, Atkins, Paleo, Keto, Dude-Bro, South Beach, Poor Little Rich Girl, and Bitchy Socialite.

Mexico Retaliates

In retaliation, Dr. Sheinbaum, president of Mexico, announced a new food classification called, Soylento Gringo. It’s apparently an undisclosed mix of MAGA staffers and “Los bebes del Chupacabra,” as needed for flavor and mouth feel. Newer vintages are said to out-price market expectations, just for the lolz.

Diamond Hands to the Moon!