If you had to give up one word that you use regularly, what would it be?
Well shit, this is gonna be a hard one for sure. If there is one word I had to give up, that I otherwise use regularly, it would have to be fairly important to make it noticeable and also clean this place up a bit. You’ve probably noticed that the Dumpster Fire Union ain’t necessarily a classy joint, and the VNR–blessed be the name of the Cyan Star of Satire–ain’t always a classy rag to read. It’s got some fucking filthy language, like “fuck my hairy man tits” kinda filthy language. Normally it’s okay because no one reads this except those loyal hipsters that are fans ten years before we become famous (We see you Leah, Jessica, and Stephen Colbert!). But uh, who knows, maybe it’s better that we tell our favorite word to “fuck off.”
…it’s when a cat sticks one leg up and curls it’s little, crink-crink in that stink-stink kitty head down under and uses that sandblaster of a tongue to ride the hormone train to O-Town.
Humping Cat is Your Goddamn Life Coach
So, to all members of the local Dumpster Union, and therefore to all staff at The Vidalia News Recorder, for fuck’s sake, please fucking stop using the word fuck. It’s fucking barbaric and only makes us degenerates in the fucking Dumpster Fire Union look like fuck-wads that can’t do fuck-all because we’re fuckwits. So? Fuck that and fuck this. From here on out, we’ll turn our fuckery into fancy quips with fine language, you dumb fucks.
To start with, here is a list of acceptable words to use in place of that fucking greatest word ever created since the word “boobs,” the fucking word “fuck”:
Sex
Make Love
Lie With
Hump
Bone
Do
Penetrate
Invade
Fornicate
Copulate
Bang
Screw
Choo-choo
Hoot
Awoooga
Honka-honka
Snuggle
Cuddlebone
Getting that crink-crink in that stink-stink
Chumbawumbing
Fluerffing
Mansplaining
As boning hard as it may be, using these fornicatin’ new words will make us more humpin’ classy. Penetrate it! Why not huh? Okay, hoot, let’s try this honka-honkin’ bullshit. Here’s what some of our upcoming articles will look like when we unfornicate them.
Uninvaded Articles
Edible, Penetrating Pillows Finally For Sale
Yes, you lie-with sticks, read it here first. For the first time since that make loving glitter fiasco at the home of the Secretary of Defense, edible pillows are finally ready to be sold for home use. Need a snack when you’re invading your wife? How about a snack when you’re sexing your girlfriend, or when your girlfriend is choo-chooing your wife? Edible Penetrating Pillows come in the finest doing flavors too, you screwing imbeciles. Flavors like: chili con asparagus, Diet Coke (for you sexy boning ladies out there), or Funyuns & Pepto Bismol. Mmm… yeah… you like it… Edible, Penetrating Pillows.
Humping Cat is Your Goddamn Life Coach
Well, it finally fluerffing happened, didn’t it? Here you are, just sitting around, playing with some mansplaining cat toys, wondering why your life is so, cuddling pathetic. How’s that couch feel? Is it soft? What about your cat? Is it soft? Or are you too screwing soft on your cat you copulating man child? We tried to tell you, you hooting dip-shit. We tried to tell you that if you give a cat an inch it will rule your life. Now? Your chumbawumbing cat is your goddamn life coach and you’re running errands to pick up tuna, milk, while chanting “ohhmmmm” and doing downward cat pose (it’s when a cat sticks one leg up and curls it’s little, crink-crink in that stink-stink kitty head down under and uses that sandblaster of a tongue to ride the hormone train to O-Town). Next you’ll be cuddleboning with dogs, and not giving an awoooga.
Vidalia News Recorder 